Day 88....Eve of the New Year.

Day 88...Eve of the New Year.

2014 and even 2013 were great years because they collectively prepared me and educated me on this journey to take back my life. I don't ever want to hear one more doctor utter the words, "You are a walking time bomb." Now that some time has passed, a quick reflection on how I got so large and the main thing I keep thinking about is my weight gain was a symptom and a side effect of many things. I didn't just wake up one day and start a love affair with bad food. Food became a substitute for loneliness, love, companionship, boredom, escapism, and it turned into the eventual loss of all HOPE because the larger I became, the more I turned to food. It was a VISCIOUS CYCLE. I know that food is not the problem and that the true issue that needs to be worked on is the REASON I turned to food. I now realize that my search for WHY doesn't have to be this huge singular event that I kept searching for (thank you Sarah N.) or even a multitude of events; it simply was many situations that made me gravitate towards food to anesthetize, medicate, and numb the feelings away. I have to realize that we all have these feelings and that some look for ways to not feel while others feel and learn to acknowledge them, process them and organically move past them. And the lucky ones are able to prevent the bad ones from happening by staying fit, listening to their mind body and soul and truly understanding that we are the only ones responsible for our happiness.  Things nor people can bare that responsibility: true happiness is from within. Saying goodbye to 2014 is ok because it held great knowledge, great coaches, loving and supportive people that I reconnected with, amazing trainers, an incredible nutritionalist, my rock of a family that never gives up on me, and HOPE!!!  All of which are coming with me to 2015 because I still have LOTS OF WORK TO DO!!  Let's do this!!! My book of 365 days in 2015 will begin the way my last 88 days began....making myself a priority so I can be the best version of myself to friends, family, students, and all.

Day 87...Stay the course, even if.......

Day 87....Stay the course, even if......

This saying I found is definitely one that speaks to me. This is a long journey. The newness of starting a journey (diet, new year's resolution, project, etc.) has so much energy behind it. We all have it planned out, etc.!! That is why it always involves Monday, next month, next year,....because we can plan so well. I always said that I am a good beginner but terrible with follow through or finishing what I started. Even on this current and very public journey, I know that the beginning was going to be easy. Connecting with so many people I have lost contact with, such motivating comments, an AMAZING trainer, and now another trainer and nutritionalist, the love and support of my family and friends.........well after a bit of time, routine sets in, the day to day takes on the same grind and what once was new soon becomes just part of anyone's day.  It is so hard sometimes to keep reminding myself that I NO LONGER need seconds or thirds of my meals, bad foods, etc. I still don't think I am someone that can just cheat a little bit. I am staying strong and everytime I make it another day, I feel more confident that I am taking back the control with my food consumption. So...the hard part is the time WAY AFTER YOU PUT YOUR PLAN IN MOTION. I am going to have bad days, craving days, emotional days, days when I just want to give up, days when I look in the mirror after 6 months and say.....am I DONE YET???!!!  Nope... I will have a lot more time to go.  Don't give up. Join me and tell me your struggles. Tell me your goals. Let's help each other!! I know I will be here and so far your support is giving me that extra push and accountability when I need it most.

Day 86....My first official food prep day!!!

Day 86...My first official food prep day!!

The coolest thing ever!! During our annual Christmas dinner with the family a couple of my cousins and I planned a day to do an official food prep. One of my cousins has actually been doing it. I thought it was perfect that she would help me do it the first time. We all made a plan to go shopping, cook, prep, eat lunch and then workout. We actually did ALL that!! I had a bit of anxiety starting the day and trying to figure out how the foods I am eating under the direction of my nutritional consultant was going to work. But that is the beauty of having a loving support system. The three of us worked together and helped each other!  I am so thankful to have these wonderful cousins in my life!!  We are going to try and get together more often to food prep again. This is just one more step in this journey of developing a better relationship with food. We made spaghetti squash with marina, egg muffin scrambles, banana and egg pancakes, chicken, asparagus, broccoli, veggie snack packs, berries for smoothies and snacks, collard green wraps, and hard boiled eggs. This was the first time and we have lots to learn but we got this!!

Day 85...Twelve week snapshot.

Day 85...Twelve week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 12/28/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 325.  Total weight loss 53 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/51".  Hips 70"/63". Bust 56"/53". Right Thigh 34"/31".  Left thigh 34"/31.5" Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21.5". Left calf 24"/22". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 82...Merry Christmas!!

Day 82...Merry Christmas!!

Enjoying family merriment, a cozy fire, and Christmas music. Hoping you had the same. Love, Tracy.

Day 81....Merry Christmas Eve!!

Day 81....Merry Christmas Eve!!

Christmas Eve. Feeling confident, strong and healthy (mind, body and soul). I went to the gym this morning and ate healthy. I am enjoying spending time with family. I am also thinking about those who have to work, who don't have family or close friends, and the ones who are no longer with us. I am so very fortunate and I don't ever want to take this time for granted again!! Life is happening!!

Here's a pic of me cooking at a friend's house learning how to use the Vegetti!!  It is a tool to make zucchini and squash noodles instead of pasta noodles. It was so good and I couldn't believe how easy and cool it was!!! Thank you Karen!!

Day 80...I am cooking for myself now!!

Day 80...I am cooking for myself now!!

I knew that one day I needed to cancel my food delivery program and start developing a healthy relationship with food. Food is a source of energy, nutrition, and learning to respect its purpose was going to be very important on this journey. When I tell you that I went weeks without even drinking water.....only soda, and months without eating raw or whole foods, I am not exaggerating. The only reason I had something fresh or raw was because I craved it. Weeks or months eating processed, high sodium foods, definitely had me craving salads every once in awhile. I literally gave into every craving and the only reason I can think of why I did was because I had LOST HOPE. I was getting older and I was SO overweight!! Food provided friendship and pleasure. When I lost hope, I stopped caring. I was, and am still struggling with the all or nothing mentality. I never cared what went into my body. If it tasted good, regardless of GMO's, gluten, bad fat, high calorie, non-nutritional, or processed, I ate it, and I always washed it down with regular Coke or Pepsi. Heavy sigh.....the food delivery program was great for me because everything was portioned out and I knew it was fresh and how many calories were in it. When I started talking to my trainer about my slow weight loss, he put me in touch with a nutritionist he recommended. I was VERY reluctant. I have listened to nutritionists before and I agree with everything they say but I was afraid!!!  I don't know why.....laziness, not sure how to cook, afraid it wouldn't work???......I am not sure. My meal plan was working for me, it was just a slower weight loss initially than I was use to BUT I was still losing weight.

I am about to give you a lengthy play by play account of what happened next to show you just how challenging this change was for me.

So...,I ended up meeting with the nutritionist for a consult about three weeks ago. I liked what he had to say but again was very hesitant to make a change. We talked about a slow transition into preparing breakfast and lunches and having my dinners still delivered. I was open to new ideas but I was not sure this was the right time for me. I was still only a few months into my journey. Was I ready for such a drastic change?????  Part of the nutritionist's program, is to walk the grocery store with you. We spent two hours walking down every isle, while he educated me and discussed meal ideas. He also listened to my taste preferences. We came up with some great ideas and I bought all sorts of good stuff. We went home and he helped me prep a smoothie that could be breakfast and/or lunch. He helped me prep a lunch that was super tasty. We planned out dinners, more lunches and breakfasts. He is so knowledgeable. A couple days later, I was still eating the last few days of the meal delivery plan and I also had not officially canceled it. I was still SO SCARED!! I ended up going one more week with the delivery program because it was safe. I am now happy to report that I have been eating, buying, and preparing/cooking my own foods for over a week. Thank you very much Scott!! I hope in the next few weeks I am thanking you more. But for now, since I have only been eating this way for a little over a week, I am CAUTIOUSLY optimistic. Here is a picture of a breakfast smoothie, a collard green wrap for lunch, a stir fry mix for dinner and a trail mix Scott put together for snack. He says a healthy supply of good fats throughout the day helps to train the body to burn fat. I have a lot of fat, so....Burn Baby Burn!!!! Ha ha ha!!!

Day 79....Annual family Christmas gathering.

Day 79....Annual family Christmas gathering.

Since my grandma passed away, our HUGE family stopped getting together every Christmas and Easter. Growing up, it was such a joyful experience!! There were SO MANY cousins to play with. My grandma and grandpa always provided and hosted a warm, relaxing, fun, and loving environment. All my cousins have grown up, married and started their own families. Inevitably, everyone's family has expanded and added in-laws. However; I think we ALL loved that magical time at Grandma and Grandpa's house, that we started an annual event at a restaurant before Christmas and WE LOVE SEEING EACH OTHER!!  Of course, in the past this was a source of anxiety because; although my family loves and supports me, I would be embarrassed coming alone and very overweight. I loved seeing my family but I was NEVER comfortable since I gained this weight. They would never bring my weight up because I ALWAYS bring it up first. Anyway, enough of that!! This time I had a GREAT TIME!!  I did; however, talk about my weight, diet, fitness, and NEW LIFESTYLE!! This time it was brought up because I am happy, looking healthier, feeling inspired to talk about how good I am feeling and of course, a few apologies for being so reclusive over the years.  I can honestly say that I was present, in the moment, ate healthy (looked at the menu ahead of time), and really enjoyed the conversations. I wish there was more time to be able to catch-up with everyone. Ha ha ha ha!! Now that I am Facebook-ing, I feel more connected, but NOTHING beats in person and getting HUGS AND KISSES! I LOVE MY FAMILY!!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!  Here are pictures of some cousins and aunt. Next year, I am taking pictures with everyone!!

Day 78....Eleven week snapshot.

Day 78....Eleven week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 12/21/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 331.  Total weight loss 47 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/52".  Hips 70"/63". Bust 56"/53". Right Thigh 34"/31".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/22.5". Left calf 24"/22.5". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 75....Gym mirrors SUCK!!

Day 75....Gym mirrors SUCK!!

I can honestly say that there has been at least one time I quit working out over the last ten years because I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror at the gym. I know that sounds terrible and that is no excuse but it was just what happened. I admit that I never feel bad after working out. There is such a high and feeling of euphoria that envelopes me after a great workout. That great feeling also turns into a little bit of confidence over time. I start to feel stronger, I get better sleep, the hope returns that I can do this, I even don't mind putting on a little make-up.  The bottom line is....I really like the way I feel when I am working out and eating right. I also realize that I have spent many years hating myself for letting it get this bad. I avoided fell length mirrors, hid from the public as much as possible because there are so many factors out of my control that can remind me of how large and out of shape I am in. (Seats I can't fit in or afraid to break, little kids asking their mommy how come she is so fat, walking, running into people who have NEVER seen me this way, etc.)  Because I don't have a home gym and I do enjoy working out on the machines at a gym, I have to deal with the fact there are MIRRORS EVERYWHERE!!  So this is what happens......I am feeling good working out and being happy with my progress and I am walking towards the hand weights and go to sit down on a bench to do curls and I see how large I am. For some reason, seeing my body in the gym mirror really sets me off. I don't want to be reminded how far I have to go or what I look like right now......because the way I am feeling inside is CONFIDENT, HEALTHY, COMMITTED, BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, etc., and the reality and the reminder of what I have done to my body KILLS ME!! It really can and has derailed me at times. I understand that mirrors are important for working on form and making the gym appear larger, and maybe other reasons I am not aware of, but I don't like them. I recognize that part of this journey is about self-acceptance and learning to love myself as much now as when I do meet my weight-loss, fitness and health nutrition goals. But I just have to say the way I feel inside and my outward appearance are not aligned and I don't know the strategies needed to put those two in sync. Here's me working on weights and enjoying the fact that in one area of the gym, there is a large rack of weights in front of the mirror. LOVE IT!!!

Day 74....Crystal Bronco Love!!

Day 74....Crystal Bronco Love!!

This is a picture of me with the coveted Crystal Bronco that the teachers bestow upon one another at staff meetings when a teacher has gone above and beyond, when there is reason to celebrate their efforts, etc. It is a very rewarding privilege to receive this Bronco. Just to give you perspective, I have been working at the same school for 3 1/2 years and this is the first time I have ever received it. Honetly, I have so much more room to improve as a teacher and all the previous recipients have all been given it for EXCEPTIONAL reasons. I truly never felt I was going to be given that symbol of love and respect until I really stepped up and did something amazing. The teacher who decided to give it to me yesterday in front of my fellow colleagues said the most beautiful, admirable, and thoughtful things. I then found out she was talking about me and when she started to tear up and said my name, I started to cry. My fellow colleague was saying such wonderful things about me and I wanted to bottle that moment in time. I was so SURPRISED!!!  I love you Rebecca!!  To be acknowledged for the journey I am on and for it to be considered inspirational to fellow staff and students is OVERWHELMING!!  We all have our struggles that we are working on. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TOO, REBECCA!!! You are always in my thoughts. Xoxoxo

If I am really honest, I have to tell you that I have feelings of being undeserving of this acknowledgement. I have hang ups that I am dealing with as I share this journey publicly. I know that what got me here was an OBVIOUS over abundance of food and minimal exercise. Very simply put, I virtually was on a path of suicide by food. I have NO EXCUSE!!! I gave up and lived like a sloth. I was dying and not living. To make a change and look for hope, guidance and strength from myself and loved ones was what I needed but I was so afraid that the response was going to be a dismissive "she is just lazy and she just needs to stop eating so much and get exercise." I am sorry I got this way to myself and of course to my family, especially my parents who gave me this precious life. I am so sorry that I have abused and taken for granted this gift.  All I can say is when I started to gain the weight it became cyclical which created the weight gain to increase exponentially. I was unable to run, which depressed me so I ate, I left my job and felt like a failure so I ate, my clothes stopped fitting so I ate. The less I was able to move and the more I ate for various reasons created this extreme weight gain. I know I worried you. I hope that this new lifestyle will give you a moment to breathe, relax and not worry so much!!

This was truly a hard journal to write tonight. I loved being acknowledged by my fellow colleagues because I have discovered I NEED YOU!!

Day 73...Surprise visit from IVANA!!

Day 73....Surprise visit from IVANA!!

I truly started this journey the summer of 2013 when I went to the Fitness Ridge, Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu. Two months prior, I was at my highest weight I have ever seen on the scale..430 lbs. I tried to lose weight and work out before I went to Malibu. I was going to be there for two months. My most wonderful parents took money out of their HARD EARNED RETIREMENT to pay for it. My love for my family is immeasurable. More on that another time. When I weighed in at Fitness Ridge Biggest Loser, I weighed 418 lbs. I have so much to say on what is was like being at a fitness resort and being so out of shape and the largest person there, but I will save that for another time. The resort was amazing!! A true fitness paradise!!  I met so many amazing and loving staff members, trainers and hiking guides. I was coming there having been in such a reclusive state. I was truly afraid to be by myself or having to socialize because I had not done it for so long (at least 9 or so years). Obviously, I would talk at work but other than that, I did not socialize. One of the hiking guides had the most infectious smile and laugh!! Her energy was pure acceptance and love!! She made every hike fun even though many times I wished for death on those hills, ha ha ha ha!!! I never felt judged. We laughed, I cried, we'd tell stories, she would talk about the flora and fauna, I cried, she would listen quietly to my bitching and crying and she never made me feel bad about my situation. She was so full of hope and encouragement. Thank you Ivana for being such a beacon of light/life at the true beginning of this journey. Living across the country is way too far but I will take any minute I have with you!!!  I really enjoyed our workout together and our visit. Thank you so much for being apart of my journey. Never change!!

Day 72....Global Winter Wonderland!!

Day 72...Global Winter Wonderland!!

So many things about this past Saturday night are completely different then my typical Saturday would be like. My Saturday started with a workout, a quick store trip to buy my nephew a birthday present, I attended his birthday party, then we all went to the Global Winter Wonderland. I had no idea what to expect, but I had the energy and was not terribly overcome with embarrassment. I felt comfortable in my own skin. The best way to describe the global winter wonderland is like the state fair on one of their busiest days, but at night and during the cold winter!!! It was so pretty!! Lots of walking was involved and when given the choice to walk or take the shuttle, I said WALK all the way baby!! There were lots of lines and I wasn't always looking for a place to sit. I just felt comfortable. A day like this would have made me cranky and anxious. On one hand I would have wanted to be with my family but on the other hand, I would not have the energy nor the ability to do all the activity. I also would have been embarrassed to see other family members. Often times when put in social situations like that, I would be the first to bring up my weight problem. I guess I did that as a coping mechanism because I was sure there was always a thought of concern or "I wonder if she is doing something about her weight, she is so heavy and I worry, she is wasting her life, she use to be so vibrant, athletic and HAPPY."  I know these weren't negative judgements, just honest concern. I know these thoughts are true because some people would bring it up. I just started beating everyone to the punch. Before May 2013, I probably would have opted out of all that stuff and laid in bed eating crap food and watching TV. That was not living, that was DYING. GUESS WHAT???!!!??? I also ran into two very dear friends of mine and met their two little boys for the first time!! Instead of focusing on ALL the time that was lost or how embarrassed I may feel because of my weight or my terrible friend skills....., I focused on how much I truly love these people in my life, how incredibly HAPPY I was to see them and how much I MISS them!  Love you Mike and Mel, and your two cute littles too!  Hugs and kisses!!!

Day 71....Ten week snapshot.

Day 71...Ten week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 12/14/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 341.  Total weight loss 37 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/52".  Hips 70"/63". Bust 56"/53". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/22.5". Left calf 24"/22.5". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

I can see a WAIST!!!!

Day 68...Started lifting weights today.

Day 68...Started lifting weights today.

Since I started doing Facebook, this blog and Instagram, I have been learning from other people who are on fitness/weightloss journeys too. One thing that I keep hearing from others who are finished with their weightloss or almost finished and are starting to reshape their bodies is, they wished they had started lifting weights earlier in their weightloss journey. I started doing it myself a month ago.  I would do it three days a week from things I learned from past training sessions, Fitness Ridge, friends and family. But I have never specifically did any weight training. I liked the feeling of actually sweating from pure strength exercises. I figured that I am not the expert on weight lifting so I asked the trainer to help me come up with a great well-rounded routine to just start out because I am so new to it. For anyone who fears that weight training will make you look bigger (which for the longest time I did too), rest assure, weight training tones you and strengthens your body. You will not look like a person getting into a fight with a beehive. That type of weight training is on a whole other level. Another AWESOME benefit is......more muscle burns more fat and a pound of muscle takes up a lot less space in your body verses a pound of fat. I am happy to add this to my workout regimen.

Day 67....One day at a time.

Day 67.....One day at a time.

This inspirational quote is something that really speaks to me. I have truly been there and done that. Not this time. Even though I ate healthy and worked out, the last few days completely drained me emotionally.   I am completely exhausted!! I cried a river last night. I cried even more when reading the beautiful heartfelt comments from people. Today I woke up with puffy eyes, which was hard to put eyeliner on them. Ha ha ha!! I had a headache all day. I haven't cried like that in forever!! In fact, I don't remember the last time I broke down that bad. I literally lost it. But today, I am tired. I worked out and stayed on program. CHECK, CHECK!!

Day 66...I don't want to.

Day 66...I don't want to.

I don't want to go to the gym again tonight, but I did. What I would rather go to the gym for.....is a good old fashion "Tribathalon!"  You know what that is....A steam room sesh, a jacuzzi, and finally a nice hot shower.   Ahhhhh......now only if that could work off 700 calories. Ha ha ha ha!!  To be honest, I have not been feeling it lately. I have a lot on my mind. I am no longer going to be ordering my meals, I will be shopping for, preparing and cooking my own food starting this weekend. I canceled my meal program the other day and I am nervous. I am also just CRANKY!! It is a bunch of things weighing on my mind and in the past, I would just anesthetize myself with food and sleep. I am having to actually cope with my feelings rather than SHOVE them down with food and escape the ICKY feeling. I could honestly go on a serious rant but sometimes I feel that if I give into the feeling and really let it out, then I am just falling into that pattern of feeling sorry for myself. So....I will just say that being single is LONELY, being so overweight and forty really sucks, switching careers and starting my profession so late equates to a smaller paycheck meant for a 20 something, when I lose the weight I am going to have so much loose skin and my body will never look like a 20 something again, I have really damaged my body and took it for granted, and finally, facing the possibility that because I am so old.....I may never have my own child.  These feeling rear their ugly head at times and I just want to cry, SCREAM, throw things, wish for a time machine, etc.

Day 65....Water with what!!???

Day 65....Water with what!!!???

This is a picture of my 32 ounce water bottle that follows me everywhere. I try to drink a minimum of four of these a day. In fact, I have found that water is integral to my weight loss. I was starting to get frustrated because I was only losing 2-3 pounds a week. At my current weight, I have grown accustomed to losing much more per week. I consulted with my trainer and he said let's start by drinking more water and see what the weigh-in is next week. Sure enough.....6 lbs and the next week, 5 lbs. Fast forward a couple weeks and at the direction of a nutritionist that I just started talking to, I am now drinking my water with lemon and chia seeds. Apparently, chia seeds are the "beez neez!!"  I put about a tablespoon of chia in my water and let it sit for 15 minutes, then I drink it up. I am not sure if this is true so don't quote me but I came across this information on chia seeds.

Day 64....Nine week snapshot.

Day 64....Nine week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 12/07/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 345. Total weight loss 33 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/52".  Hips 70"/64". Bust 56"/54.5". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/22.5". Left calf 24"/23". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 61.....Medicine ball.

Day 61....Medicine ball.

Ha ha ha!!! So this little video may not look very impressive but believe me....this medicine ball is part of a four round circuit and it keeps getting heavier. I finish it and move on to another exercise and when I come back to it, the trainer has magically retrieved a heavier one. No one pushes me more than when someone is actively watching me, encouraging me (sometimes yelling at me), preparing a workout, setting it up, and making the weights and medicine balls heavier DURING the workout!!! I wish I could push myself to that point (where you want to throw-up, scream at the trainer, cry, throw the weights down and bolt for the open door) when working out on my own. In the meantime, I am so happy that I am getting that extra push twice a week from someone other than myself, even though there are times when I just TRULY WANT TO GIVE UP BECAUSE IT IS JUST TOO HARD. But, oh my gosh!!!!!.......I feel sooooooo good afterwards. When I am working out alone, at times I notice I am getting stronger so I push myself by increasing the speed, incline, or weights.  However, increasing the weight of a medicine ball DURING the workout seems to be only a trick the trainer is doing because at no time am I running back to where the medicine balls are and grabbing a heavier one because the one I am using is too light!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!

Day 60...I am happy!!!

Day 60...I am happy!!

Wow!!! Two months already!!

It is so important to realize you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness. There are many things that can help in that effort but at the end of the day, what did you do to keep your beliefs, values and goals in focus?  You must stay true to yourself, listen to yourself, and honor your feelings. You cannot be a good wife, mother, friend, co-worker, teacher, etc., if you are not taking care of yourself and honoring your needs. It is not the job of anyone else to make you happy and it is unfair of you to put that burden on someone or something. I keep reminding myself that this journey will not miraculously provide me with everything I want at the end. I am finding that through this process I am not as grumpy and I am able to rationalize a bit more when I am being irritable or cranky.   I take a step back and try to figure out the reason. I have always loved that term "HALT."  I am either hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired. I take a moment and reflect when I start to feel something and I try to see if there is a way to fix it. What I am also discovering is the effort in being proactive. When I am taking care of what I know makes me feel happy, the days seem brighter, lighter, less stressful and I have a pep in my step!! Ha ha ha ha!!! All that being said.....I love these classic Saturday Night Live skits!!!!  These definitely make me HAPPY!!!

Day 59....To change or not to change??

Day 59....To change or not to change.

I know that the meal plan I am on will not be a long-term solution to a healthy and fit lifestyle. Nothing has put that into hyper focus more than the last three days when I had to plan my own meals.  I was so desperate for my meal plan box to arrive today because at least I know the portions and the calories that have proven successful so far. I know myself and I don't want to think or stress about what I eat four to five times a day. However, this anxiety proved that this is the missing puzzle piece to my success. I have consulted with a nutritionist and I have attended lectures on nutrition but for some reason I cannot DO IT!! Ahhhhh!! Why do I have such anxiety around food!! I hate that food has done this to me. I wish food was bland or in pill form. So...I am on the precipice of making a big change because it is seriously evident this needs to happen. Instead of having my meal plan for every meal, I will do it just for dinner. A nutritionist will help me devise nutrient dense smoothies for breakfast and snack and sometimes lunch. He recommends this blender. Do I take the next step and start preparing a few of my own meals?????  

Day 58....Relationship with food.

Day 58...Relationship with food.

Day 58...It is starting to look a lot like X-mas at my gym. I love it!! So...I spent a couple days planning and preparing what I was going to eat while my meal plan took a three day break. I have found out that one of the reasons I would give up on my weight loss in the past was the amount of effort it takes to eat healthy...thought, preparation, time, and focus on my relationship with food. This caused me EXTREME anxiety. In order for this journey to be successful, I will have to learn how to respect food and it's purpose.  I wonder if this will be something that will always be? There is NO WAY the fit people are all measuring, reading labels, obsessively planning meals, etc.!! How did this happen to me??!! I don't want to think about food this much!! Will it get easier?? This is exhausting!! I can't wait for the food delivery to come tomorrow, because that food I know is portioned correctly, keeps me full and has proven successful so far in my effort to lose weight. 

Day 57....Eight week snapshot.

Day 57....Eight week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/30/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 347. Total weight loss 31 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/52".  Hips 70"/64". Bust 56"/54.5". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/22.5". Left calf 24"/23". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 1...Emerging from the self-imposed cocoon

Day ....1     Stats: Age 40, Height 5'8",  Weight 378, Measurements: Waist 56", Hips 70", Bust 56", Thighs 34", Arms 19", Calves 22". Body fat 56%.

My name is Tracy. In an effort to start a weight loss journey, it was suggested that I put myself out there for the world to see. This is completely against every feeling I have.  I hide, I never want pictures taken of me, I never take pictures of myself, I rarely go out unless it is for work, the grocery store and until recently the drive-thrus.  I recently got back from a two week life-changing experience, and if not for that experience, I am not sure I would have the courage to do this. Fitness Ridge in St. George, Utah has made this possible. I went there knowing that I would not be able to lose the 250 lbs. needed to get back to a doctor recommended "Healthy weight," but maybe gain the hope that there is still a chance that I can lose this weight naturally without surgery. The atmosphere and the program at Fitness Ridge did just that....I feel ready to take on the world!  As I start my journey, I will open up about me, my daily workouts, food struggles, etc. Stay tuned........

Day 54....THANKFUL!!

Day 54....THANKFUL!!!

I am just soooo THANKFUL!!!  I don't even know where to begin but let me just start by saying that I am so thankful for the KINDNESS in people!! I never even suspected that a community of loved ones, friends and total strangers that take a little time to comment on my Facebook, Instagram, Blog, in person, little gifts, little messages on my desk at work, would have such an overwhelmingly positive impact on me and to be honest.....it has HELPED ME!! I had no idea this would happen. I know I have mentioned this before but it is incredibly supportive and it gives me the HOPE that I CAN DO THIS!!  Thank you!! Here are a few more things I am thankful for.....

*The sunshine and beautiful morning to wake up and exercise this Thanksgiving Day!!
*My health (although I have taken it for granted for too long)
*My body, mainly my body's ability to be strong and more mobile with each pound of fat loss and muscle gained.
*My mind to keep me focused and to no longer abuse myself verbally and mentally.

Life is so precious!!! I am thankful for so much!! Even though today is a day dedicated to giving thanks.....I am thankful EVERYDAY for the kindness of people. I LOVE YOU!!

Day 53...Unconditional LOVE.

Day 53....Unconditional LOVE.

I LOVE my doggie!!! I have always felt the unconditional love from my little love. He licks my tears, shows me only love and excitement when I am around, always wants to be near me, never judges my body, etc., why can't we be more like dogs?!  Came home after another intense workout and he was here to greet me like always!! Third day of my vacation...zoo with nephews, hung with my bro, ate clean, trained mean and gettin' lean. Oh yeah and also drank my water!! 

Day 52....Curse you stair climber!!!

Day 52....Curse you stair climber!!

Absolutely HATE this machine. I call it the mini-escalator that NEVER ENDS!!!  This stair climber totally has my NUMBER!! I started out doing only 3 minutes and now I am doing 6 minutes. I read a saying that I HOPE one day applies to this machine...."What seems hard now will one day be your warm-up."  Bwahahaha!!!  Some day indeed...I am up for the challenge Stair Climber!!!  Another day down of my vacation and gym-check, eating clean-check, still drinking my water-check!!  I so got this!!

Day 51....This will be a LONG journey!!

Day 51....This will be a LONG journey.

Oh yeah, this is a LONG journey!!  I need to remember this when days get rough. I am on a nine day Thanksgiving break from work. I like routine so this will be challenging. I know this about myself. Routine is big. I relish in it, but on the flip side, I have found that when I deviate from that plan a little bit, my life becomes chaotic. It doesn't have to be that way. I have more control than allowing something little to screw things up. I feel like I can be easy going and flexible, but when it comes to taking care of myself, I look for any excuse to fall off the wagon and revert back to old habits.  I have "type A" tendencies and deal with perfectionism in some areas of my life, which I find weird. I have always felt that "Type A/perfectionist people" are structured in all areas of their life.  I think in the past I was in denial about how badly I want to change my lifestyle. If falling off the wagon can be so easily done due to a little deviation in my plan.....then I must not have wanted to change. Ugh!!! That is tough to realize. I want it this time and if/when those tough days hit, I will look back on the below statement and realize that the 51 plus days on this journey cannot possibly be undone with one bad meal or day. Today.....Gym- check, eating clean-check, and drank my water-check!!  I got this!! 

Day 50...Seven week snapshot.

Day 50....Seven week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/23/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 352. Total weight loss 26 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/53".  Hips 70"/64". Bust 56"/55". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/23". Left calf 24"/23". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Look who's in town and supporting me with an awesome workout!! Thanks bro!!! 

Day 47...I am doing this for ME!!

Day 47....I am doing this for ME!!

Fitness Ridge posted this recently and it really spoke to me. I truly believe this!! Am I really doing this for myself? I have spent so much time hiding and feeling sorry for myself. A whole decade went by and I was so afraid no one would love me because of the way I looked. Believe me, this was not all in my head. Some people can be cruel. This is a world where there is a great deal of fat shaming. Also, I have been in some embarrassing situations directly related to my size. Hiding with my comfort food was safer. So much time has gone by and I am afraid that I my have missed my chance to find a partner. I have never been married nor had children. I hope those things are still in my future. I feel that is a big motivation; however, I have not been successful with sheer motivation that relies on external factors. My dad said to me yesterday, "Tracy, regardless of what the future holds for you, YOU are what is most important, and YOU will be happier being healthier. This about YOU."  Thank you Dad!  He is so right. I really really really need to do this for myself. It is not about wearing cute clothes again, dating, running, skiing, having babies, etc.  Those things will be GREAT, but during the quiet times by myself when no one else is watching or around, are my core beliefs truly about getting healthy for me?......I think they are this time!!!