Day 145....Positive, supportive, colorful and cheery Nancy.

Day 145...Positive, supportive, colorful and cheery Nancy.

I have to tell you that I have never felt more connected and supported in MY LIFE!! Maybe because I was reclusive for so long and engaging with people is still fairly new to me after 10 years. This journey has been amazing. I have been connecting with childhood friends, high school friends, college friends, friends from places I visited, acquaintances that have become friends, strangers that have become friends, etc. I was prepared when I was encouraged to take this journey public (thank you Michelle and Sarah) for possible ridicule, being teased, etc., but not only did none of the bad stuff happen, I am continuously overwhelmed by the encouragement and support of all kinds of people. Let me give you just one example....Nancy is a hiking guide her at Wellfit, Malibu. You can't help but notice her because her smile, energy, and pretty ways are infectious. I didn't get a chance to hike with her that much the two months in 2013 I was here but I knew her and her supportive and positive ways. When I started this public journey I was connected to Facebook groups of places I had been before (Thanks again JP). Nancy always writes a positive comment on most of my blogs. I couldn't believe she remembered me!! The staff here meet SO MANY PEOPLE!! When I got to see her again during this trip, I wanted to squeeze her and THANK HER SO MUCH for her encouraging comments!! Because anyone reading this now....you really cannot understand the magnitude in which the power of your words keep me going!!! Nancy is an example of the incredible appreciation I have for anyone who takes the time to read these online journals. I just can't see a way that I can fail.

A couple things: STAY HYDRATED!! Guests are dropping like flies around here because they are dehydrated!! I drink 4-5, 32oz bottles a day. These carafes are my best friend here!!

The night life has been AMAZING!! Music by the fire pit each night. They had audience participation and I got to play the bongos!! Woohoo!!!

Day 144.....Running in paradise.

Day 144....Running in paradise.

I am SO looking forward to being able to run, that sometimes I get so amped up on the treadmill listening to great music that I just want to break loose!! At my size, I really should not being running for any length of time, but sometimes I just need the speed. One of my goals is to run a marathon and hopefully the one this December, so every once in awhile I want to see how running feels. Being here at Wellfit, Malibu or Movara Fitness Resort, I feel invincible with lots of confidence. I just had to run for a bit today. Today was a great day!! I am still sick but I am doing everything I can to ignore it. I did all the workouts and instead of pool class, I did the Arc Trainer. Getting into a cool pool does not appeal to me being sick. However, the Zumba pool class looked fun and I enjoyed watching it while I did the Arc Trainer.

Day 143....Great food, people, resort, hike....nuff said.

Day 143....Great food, people, resort, hike....nuff said.

What a way to end a wonderful day then to listen to a great group of musicians!! I had a great hike but I need to be honest....I think my sickness is worse. I took the afternoon off from working out. Believe me, no one is more upset than myself. This is now three weeks and every time I think I am on the road to recovery, I get a new symptom. Last night, I woke up from a dead sleep with an incredible earache!! WHAT??!! I don't even remember the last time I had an earache! I blame all this congestion that will not LEAVE my head!! I felt feverish this afternoon, that's why I chose to get some rest and force tons of water into my body. Hopefully, this rest today will allow me to kill it tomorrow!!

Day 142....The perks after a day of hardwork!!

Day 142....The perks after a day of hardwork!!

First of all, I really have to keep thanking Janet for this incredible opportunity!! I am so LUCKY!! I literally catch myself smiling at so many things because I just can't believe I am here living in fitness paradise again!! After a two and a half hour beach hike we came back and had a fitness lecture, an amazing lunch, then three hours of fitness classes (HIIT, pool, and a body resistance class) then we had a little break before a delicious meal of turkey chili and asparagus, then we hung out in the outdoor jacuzzi next to the biggest fire pit I have ever seen. I am loving this!!! Tomorrow I get to do this all over again.

Day 141....Malibu Fitness Resort! I'm BACK!!

Day 141....Malibu Fitness Resort!! I'm BACK!!

The coolest, most randomness opportunity happened a couple days ago. I got the chance to come to the new Malibu Fitness Resort called Wellfit for a week as part of a focus group. I could not believe I had this opportunity!! Love you Janet and Tami!! I immediately found out if I could go and still have a job because it is absolutely unheard of for a teacher to take this much time off, but honestly I would take a leave of absence if I could live at one of these fitness resorts. These places offer such a great break from the day to day and give you the time to spend 100% focus on yourself, which we ALL need from time to time. I can't believe I am here. In 2013, I came here weighing 418 lbs and left two months later weighing around 360 lbs. I left with a smaller number on the scale but I gained so much more than just a smaller number. I could stand erect for more than a couple hours, I could hike, I learned about emotional eating and nutrition, I felt muscles underneath my fat, I became more confident, I learned how to socialize again, I met a community of people that I will be life-long friends with. I only wish I had joined Facebook sooner because some of them I lost contact with. Stay tuned as I write about my incredible experience this week!! I have a two hour hike in the morning plus an additional 3-4 hours of more fitness classes! I am so pumped for this!!! There is just a bit of a hesitation because I have been doing so WELL back at home with Adam, Jake and Scott that I fear I might gain weight and lose muscle. I will do my weekly update this coming up Sunday and see what happens.

Day 138....The power of the mind!!

Day 138....The power of the mind!!

I know I have addressed this before, but I am completely convinced that for me this journey is all in the mind. I know that a lot of people realize that gaining weight is a symptom of something else. Proper diet and exercise is not rocket science. In fact, I like the acronym I learned at Movara Fitness Resort.....K.I.S.S...which means...Keep It Simple Stupid. For the most part, I agree with this; however, working with the nutritionist, Scott Estrada, I am learning a great deal about nutrition that I am really excited about....so, it can be a little more indepth but a welcomed indepthness. But I digress. Just recently, I was feeling bad about something and even though I could rationalize how ridiculous it was to give it one more second of thought....I could not stop perseverating on it. I kept thinking about it, internalizing it, I couldn't get out of my head. I tried to do punish myself with squats every time it crept in "Ha ha ha!" I tried to earmark time to allow myself to think about it at a later time, etc. I tried many strategies but I just obsessed over the thought. This obsession ended up preventing me from having a great workout, gave me a headache, put me on edge, made me a bit short with family, and overall made me feel kind of crappy. A couple days later, I got some REALLY GOOD NEWS and my whole attitude changed. This news lightened my spirit, made my workouts feel effortless, made me happy with myself and others, and my general outlook on things were GREAT. Infact, it was a welcome distraction from the other issue that was causing me distress and obsessive thoughts. Some of this may seem like I need a one-way ticket for medication but that is not the answer for me. I am looking at both events objectively now and I am CONVINCED that our mind has GREAT POWER!! I won't get too deep on just how powerful I think our mind is, but honestly, if I can control my own mind and figure out a way to look at things positively, without fear of potential doom, prevent racing thoughts, stop obsessing over ridiculous things, be happy, relax, and just BE......this journey will be so INCREDIBLY productive.

Day 137....Happy birthday to me!!

Day 137.....Happy birthday to me!!

First I want to say I had no idea what it was like to experience a birthday being part of Facebook. I can't believe how many birthday wishes I got. It really made me SO HAPPY!!! I am so blessed to have such a great group of friends and a loving family!!! I am just so sorry I haven't been around to spend quality time with you but I am getting around more and more. It just made me so happy, that it shows me the importance of making sure I always wish people a "Happy Birthday!"

I started the day reading great birthday wishes, then had a doctor's appointment regarding my Achilles on both feet. Then I met with my friend Jen and had a great workout and then chatted for awhile (I could have talked forever, lol). I came home and had a relaxing mid-afternoon bath and got ready to hang with my family for a night of bowling. I spent my big birthdays (my 30th and my 40th) with less than spectacular fanfare. My family and I made a commitment that my next birthday will make up for my reclusive 30th and 40th birthday. It is getting time to really celebrate my life. NO MORE HIDING!!!!

Day 136....Hiking with a new friend!!

Day 136....Hiking with a new friend!!

I am just so thrilled to be living life again. I am meeting the most wonderful people. I met Janet through a Facebook alumni group from the fitness resort we both attended at different times. We had never met before. We discovered we both live in the same city and because we both really enjoyed hiking, we got together for a two and a half hour hike yesterday. We talked about our experiences at the fitness resort, our fitness/health journeys and lots of other things. I am so thankful for finally opening up and being more comfortable with doing things. Thank you so much Janet!! I look forward to future hikes and outings together!!

Day 135....Being sick SUCKS!!

Day 135....Being sick SUCKS!!

Ok ok ok.....what sucks even more is when someone complains about being sick, but honestly this is getting close to being a two week sickness and it is effecting the intensity of my workouts and my mood. I am growing impatient and kinda edgy. I continued to workout out most days. Collectively, I have taken off three days but when I am working out, I immediately turn into a sweat puddle, I have absolutely NO energy, and my muscles might as well be good for nothing JELLO.  What a waste of a workout!!! This sickness has really made me appreciate my body and recognize it's fragility. After feeling so good for close to five months now....feeling sick just plain sucks!!! Can't wait to feel 100% again!!!

Day 134.....Nineteen week snapshot.

Day 134....Nineteen week update.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 2/15/15. Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 293. Total weight loss 85 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/47.5". Hips 70"/58.5". Bust 56"/50.5". Right Thigh 34"/28.5".  Left thigh 34"/29". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17.5".  Right calf 24"/21". Left calf 24"/21".

I was able to get my body fat tested by the same type of InBody machine from Movara Fitness Resort where I had it tested the last time. I am so HAPPY I found one where I live!!!!!  I am down 10%!!!!!!  10/8/14 Body fat 56%  to  2/15/15 Body fat 46%.

Day 131....Two year difference!!

Day 131....Two year difference!!!

I stumbled across this photo the other day and it was from me being filmed for my teaching credential two years ago around this time of year. I couldn't believe it!!!!!! I RARELY took any photos/vidoes of myself at my highest in the 430's lbs. But sure enough.....the only reason I did this was because it was a mandatory part of fulfilling my teaching credential. I still had the same top so I thought I would take a video of me today and compare the two. I am so thankful for taking photos/vidoes, it is such an amazing visual motivator!! That day was so hard for me. I rarely taught standing up for any length of time, so it was not an authentic account of my day to day teaching. I was sweating so much, desperate to sit down, afraid the students would not be engaged because they were used to seeing me behind the desk. I just wanted it to be over. I understood why it needed to be done....so I can reflect on my teaching style.....but......I was so heavy, depressed and slowly dying by food. That was a few months before I really got serious about my weight loss. This picture evokes SOOOO many feelings. Heavy sigh........

It will be exciting to take another photo in 4-5 months in front of my class again. I am looking forward to it!!!!

Day 130....Vineyards and Vacations!!

Day 130...Vineyards and Vacations!!!

I am not sure why my confidence is wrapped up in my physical ability, health, and appearance. I know I have more depth than this. It seems there are many reasons why you should NEVER give up being happy, staying positive, and living life to the fullest. Even the poorest, sick stricken, down on their luck people can be high in spirit. I have always felt very insecure dealing with this weight problem. I feel selfish, I feel whiney, I feel self-absorbed, I feel lazy, I feel worthless, I feel hopeless. Let me explain....... First off, I have a very blessed life. I have all I need. Why did I get so fat?......I gave up!! It was too hard to stay fit, eat right, etc.....I gave into pressures of life and looked for an easy out, an escape...and it came in the form of food. I admire people who deal with life's struggles and seek no vice. I aspire to be able to "feel," process it, learn from it and move on. Even though this weight loss journey is the hardest thing I have EVER done....I did it to myself because I gave up on myself long ago. I was not stricken with some disease, I wasn't put in a position of great challenge. Life did not throw some big curve ball my way. I just gave up!! This makes me feel emabarrassed more than anything. There is no BIG STORY!! But I am here now and I choose to live and I want my life back. I want to be able to go on vacation and feel confident on the beach and not tire from walking in the sand. I want to go wine tasting and tour the vineyards without looking for a place to sit. I used to do these things as these pictures show. I have been reclusive for SO LONG, I am trying to find the authentic Tracy and what I like to do. I was sitting in the back seat of life for SO LONG, I truly don't know what I enjoy anymore. When I look at pictures from 10 years ago and I was enjoying activities, I try real hard to remember what I was doing, how I felt, and how I socialized. I know I can't go back and I have grown regardless, but this journey is really about finding me and getting to know me again. It seems I talk about this a lot but honestly, I keep running into this problem. I am spending so much time and energy on weightloss, that when I do have free time or when a friend or a new friend wants to hang with me.....I freeze a little.....I don't know what to do. I say yes to anything but I am not authentically gravitating towards anything. Fore some reason that doesn't seem right.  Who am I and what do I like to do!!!!??????

Day 129....One of my favorite meals!!!

Day 129....One of my favorite meals!!

Ok ok ok....so I have only had this meal once before but it was so good that I kept thinking about it and couldn't wait to have it again. Three different colored sweet potatoes with coconut oil and a little sea salt. I pair this meal with a nice green salad. Yummers!! I learned a bit about the importance of healthy carbohydrates from Scott recently. I always fear retelling what Scott has taught me because I am still just learning and sometimes people armed with just a little bit of information can retell it wrong. So here it is.......I think this is what I thought was the most interesting part....when you are feeling tired, a little sluggish and/or a little depressed, you are needing some carbohydrates. This led me to asking Scott about other food/feeling relationships. Stay tuned...I can't wait to learn about them. Now here is the slight issue at the moment....I feel none of those things (sluggish/tired/depressed). I just loved this dish the last time I had it. I wonder if this is a "healthy relationship with food" moment or an "unhealthy relationship with food" moment?

Day 128....Tools for success...so far.

Day 128...Tools for success....so far.

I have been asked at one time or another what tips I have, or what I am doing to lose weight, or how much I exercise. I thought I would do a bulleted list of everything that I have done since I went public with this journey; although this journey has been ongoing for 10 years. The summer of 2013 is when I really got serious about trying to save my life. Keep in mind, I do not have a family to care for and I moved home over the summer of 2014 to take this journey SERIOUSLY!!  That includes most of my income going towards fitness and nutrition. The following is a list of what I have done thus far:

*September 20th to October 4th of 2014, I was at Movara Fitness Resort in Utah for two weeks. The BEST kickstart EVER!!! In two weeks I lost 17 lbs and I had the best foundation to reignite and continue my weight loss journey. There were many lectures on nutrition, daily hikes, 3-4 more hours of daily exercise classes, amazingly tasty and healthy food, great companionship, and encouraging staff.  Movara.com

*I came home and immediately ordered a food plan called Simply Fresh. I did not have to go to the store once, prepare or portion my food with this plan. I did this because I have the hardest time with food. I did this all of October, November and part of December. Simplyfresh.com

*My workouts started with a commitment to myself that I could keep. A big lesson I learned from Movara Fitness Resort. When you set unrealistic goals, you constantly disappoint yourself and that makes you sad. At first, it was 5-7 days a week for at least an hour at the gym. I also met with Adam, my personal trainer for ONE 30 minute session a week. I did this for about a month and a half and then I bumped it up to TWO 30 minute sessions a week and I go to the gym daily for a minimum of two hours a day 6-7 days a week. I do an hour on the treadmill and an hour on the arc trainer. I keep the levels challenging all the time. DON'T GET COMFORTABLE!! If your workout starts to become easy, it is not being effective and therefore a waste of time. Fitnessrangers.com

*I started weight training during the middle of December. It replaces one of my hours of cardio 3x a week. I am really starting to understand the benefits of weightlifting.

*HIIT, Metabolic conditioning, tabata training and crossfit are all terms that are current in my physical activity.

*During the middle of December I changed my eating. I cancelled "Simply Fresh" and started working with a nutrition coach. This was very scary because I have such an emotional tie to food. Scott Estrada has been so helpful. I now shop, prepare and portion out my food. I am not always successful, but that is part of the journey. Part of this new eating plan involves cold pressed juice cleanses.  Wholeheartedjuice.com

Summary of activity:
Monday-One hour tread, one hour arc trainer, one hour weight lifting
Tuesday-30 minute personal training, 90 mins cardio
Wednesday-One hour tread, one hour arc trainer, one hour weight lifting
Thursday-30 minute personal training, 90 mins cardio
Friday-One hour tread, one hour arc trainer
Saturday-One hour tread, one hour arc trainer, one hour weight lifting
Sunday-sometimes rest day or one hour tread, one hour arc trainer

Summary of food:
I don't count calories and I am not really measuring. I KNOW, RIGHT!!?? Totally mind blowing!! I am training my body to use fat for fuel. I eat a lot of avocados, green smoothies, salads, superhero coffee, roasted veggies with coconut oil and sea salt, lean grass fed and/or pasture raised animal protein, and salmon.

Day 127.....Eighteen week snapshot.

Day 127....Eighteen week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 2/8/15. Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 298. Total weight loss 80 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/47.5". Hips 70"/59". Bust 56"/51". Right Thigh 34"/29".  Left thigh 34"/29.5". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21". Left calf 24"/21". Body fat 56%  / not updated.

Milestone!!!! Under 300 lbs!!!

Day 124.....Drop and give me TWENTY!!!!

Day 124....Drop and give me TWENTY!!!

One night I was working out at the gym and I got a text from my friend Shannon. I told him I was at the gym and for some reason I can't remember, he told me to WORK HARDER!! I guess in his mind, if I can be texting while working out....I wasn't working out hard enough!! He text back and says, "Tracy, drop and give me twenty right now!" Yep, that is Shannon alright!!

He is super supportive, has taken on a coaching role, is very knowledgeable regarding nutrition and supplements, takes no excuses and tells it like it is. I am so lucky to have this GEM in my life and part of this journey!! He.....maybe......didn't want this role, but he is a fellow colleague and he can't run away from me. Ha ha ha!!  I ask him for advice, pep talks and cautiously ask him about why I cheat!! I say cautiously because I don't always like his response. Again, he tells it like it is, pulls no punches, and accepts no excuses. He is constantly reminding me that I need patience...this is a grind and it will not happen over night. I need to remind myself of that ALL THE TIME!!! I think the sense of urgency comes from, the "WHITE KNUCKLE" feeling of "If I don't finish this journey in the next couple months, then I am going to lose the WILL POWER, I can only hang on for so long." That is the trap that all of us have dealt with at one time or another....for me.....it has been that way with every weight loss attempt I have ever been on. I have heard that this is not a "diet" it is a lifestyle change. I get it, I get it......but NOPE....I never really got it, and I still don't; however, I think I am finally getting to a place where I am starting to learn though. "This journey will take a long time," I say this to myself all the time......but what does that really mean? Do I really understand it? What I think now is.......this journey has no end. This journey is about living NOW. Yes....I have a weight loss goal and would do ANYTHING to get the weight loss phase over with and that is where I am struggling.........but I really think that the January flubs/cheats/struggles have taught me a lot about this.

Anyway, back to Shannon. I have to say that it was his encouragement one day as I was eating my Simply Fresh, pre-packaged, pre-portioned meal and he says to me........remember, he pulls NO PUNCHES and tells it like it is........"Tracy, why can't you make those same type of meals yourself, save some money and make them a bit healthier?" I looked at him like he was nuts, I got defensive and I rattled off a WHOLE bunch of excuses why food is so scary for me. He looked at me and probably repeated himself with a look of "Give me a break, you are not that WEAK!" That conversation led me to accepting the idea of working with Scott, the nutritionist.  THANK YOU SHANNON!!! I know that I seek your counsel often, but you are so wise and I have learned a lot from you. I would LOVE to meet your beautiful wife and children one day! They are very LUCKY to have you!!!  Invite me for dinner one night!

Day 123...I fell down, but I got back up.

Day 123....I fell down, but I got back up.

So.....I have been absent and that is the biggest sign I am not doing well. However, I am happy to report I am doing great! I want you all to know that I finished my third day being back on track. I am doing MUCH BETTER!!  I went crazy Thursday night with Roundtable pizza and I topped it off with some cookies from Wholefoods. In fact, on the spin bike Thursday night, all I did was obsess about Roundtable. Friday was even worse!!! I ate bad all day long!! I was starting to get very worried that I was coming undone. I beat myself up in the gym all Saturday and then woke up Sunday STARVING!!  I was supposed to continue my juice fast but I lost control again all Sunday. I hate that my mind thinks that food is a way to comfort myself. In the end, it only makes me feel worse about myself. That is such a weird thing to discover. I am feeling some kind of "FEEL/EMOTION" and instead of finding some other way to cope with it, I run to food to medicate myself, when I know that is the worst decision. The one thing I am taking away from this blip in my journey.......I will no longer have "cheat food" by myself. I need to eat around people to be held accountable. I feel even worse because I have learned a great deal about nutrition and not only did I seriously overeat for two and half days, but I poisoned my body with processed food, chemicals, GMOs and all sorts of crap. I think I was hoping that my mind had permanently shifted to thinking about food differently. Sunday was the worst day. I was so afraid I was not going to be able to get back on track. I wanted to be locked up in a cage and have no access to food except for scheduled "feeding" times. I was at a point where I didn't even trust my ability to be around any kind of food. I wanted to go back to having my food prepared, delivered and portioned out. I was weak and I admit it. I hate that feeling and I hope that this journey lessens that feeling someday. Food is LOVE and it is your way of thanking your body for giving you strength, energy, etc.