Day 26...It takes hard work!!

Day 26...It takes hard work!!!

A good day!!  I have a VERY LONG road ahead of me and I understand that. For so long, I thought I could drop this weight fast under unsustainable circumstances and I would inevitably fail. Each failure depleted my self-esteem and once again I let myself down. Again, I can't stress enough the importance of setting REALISTIC goals because if you don't and you fail (which most likely you will) the disappointment you feel does MORE damage to you.  We have ALL heard this before and I wish I had listened to it earlier, but I will stop looking backwards. The following video was scary to show because it is NOT flattering, but I am willing to work hard for what I want. During my workouts, I curse, cry, beg it to stop, get pissed at what I have done to my body, think I can't do one more flippin' rep, etc., but at the end of the workout I feel euphoric. Believe it or not, after a bit of recovery I am ready to go again!!  Thank you Adam at Fitness Rangers for another great workout!!  Hoorah!!

Day 25....Respect thy Body!

Day 25...Respect thy Body!!

Good day!!  I have always been a naturally active and athletic girl. I have never really had any injuries or issues preventing me from doing what needs to get done. I was a swimmer on a recreational team from the age of six, I started soccer around 7 or 8, and then other things like basketball, volleyball, softball, tennis off and on. When I started high school, I fell in love with running. Right before I started to gain weight, around the age of 28, I joined a running club to prepare  for a marathon. Needless to say, the marathon never happened. Even during the last 10 years, I have never had a long standing injury that prevented me from exercising, other than general soreness or exhaustion. For some reason my left Achilles started to hurt very bad about a month ago. It hurt even to the touch. I was taught to tape it with kinesio tape and to ice it. This pain hurt so bad at times that I walked with a serious limp. I was told that if it got worse to see the doctor. However, there were days it was better and days it felt worse. Still not bad enough to have a doctor look at it again. The problem was, it was scary to me.  I was not able to push through it every day, so my exercises were limited to strength and the bike. Other days I pushed it hard.  This lasted for about a month. I am happy to say that it is definitely feeling better. The reason I am talking about it today is because I have never experienced an injury that curbed what I wanted to do. Instead I had to find other ways to get the heart rate up. I know that this is not the first time a person has gone through this but for a person struggling to lose a great deal of weight, I can tell you, I was a bit nervous. I started to realize the importance of keeping my body healthy. I have taken it for granted for SO LONG!!  The older I get, the more I will experience these types of issues, especially if I don't lose the weight....if...I live that long. Being considered by your doctor "A walking time bomb," is a tough pill to swollow. Now that the Achilles is feeling somewhat better, I am confident it will get back to normal soon even though I am still exercising on it. I have realized now how important my body's health is. It has made me WAKE UP to the fact....I DO NOT have an unlimited amount of time to correct all the damage that I have done to it.

I have big plans for these feet!! I promise that I will take this weight off so you don't have to work so hard.

Day 24.....Friends can be so supportive!!

Day 24...Friends can be so supportive!!

Good day!!  I have done A LOT of talking over the last 10 years acknowledging my weight problem because I wanted people to know that I was aware I have a major issue. Ha ha ha!! Like they didn't know.  I was also self effacing, withdrawn, tried to shrink in meetings or other obligatory events.  For some reason, I thought that if I talked about my weight first or made fun of it, then somehow I would get less judgement or put the people I was with, at ease. What happened is, that ended up being ALL I ever talked about with anyone and everyone. I became so isolated in my misery of obesity that it completely consumed me ALL THE TIME!! I guess the only time I was not thinking about it was when I was in a food comatose or sleeping it off. Through this time, I pushed so many people away. I did not want to be the 3rd, 5th, 7th....wheel anymore. I did not want to go to anymore weddings, baby showers, etc., because my life had stopped and everyone's life was moving forward. Because I have been branching out more, I am starting to realize the importance of friends. They never judged me. I judged myself enough for everyone. I transferred my own judgements to them. We talked about my weight because I brought it up. Of course, they were concerned for my health and happiness; however, their love and support never waivered. This is for every friend out there, "I love you. Thank you for your patience while I find the peace and strength to find the right path. I am so so so sorry that I was too selfish in this sickness to witness the most incredible and wonderful experiences in your life. You have ALWAYS been on my mind."  Speaking of friends new and old, I met Jen because we had to share a classroom. Fast forward 3 years and I am so glad we met. She is one of the most amazing friends. If it weren't for sharing a classroom that first year.... well, I don't know, because I certainly kept to myself and rarely did anything except with my parents. Here we are today having lunch and sharing some good laughs!!  Connecting with people is truly priceless!! Why did I push EVERYONE away when you give me strength, support, love, laughs, hugs, things to do, etc.? I WAS NUTSO!!!

Day 23....Stayed strong.

Day 23......Stayed strong.

A good day!!  This weekend pretty much kicks off the holiday/birthday season which, of course, centers around food. A lot of my family's birthdays start in October and end in January. I know that we get together with family and friends to catch up and enjoy each other's company but honestly....I feel that good food and lots of it is a HUGE part. To someone who obsesses about food all the time, the holidays and birthday season seemed to always include another 10 pounds on my body. I recognize that starting this transformation so close to the holidays is insane but I was sick of saying I'll start next week, I'll start Monday, I'll start tomorrow....the bottoms line is...I just needed to start.  I have a big problem with the "All or Nothing" mentality and that type of behavior is exactly what that type of mentality does, "I will start Monday and I will never falter and I will stay strong until I am done."  If I failed, and I always did then the "Diet" was out the window. The difference this time is I have to be OK with blips and blunders along the way. I have to be ok with not going to gym everyday. I have to be ok with not going super hard during my exercise each time. I know this is not new information. I have heard this before. But after 10 years of trying to lose weight the same way over and over without success....it is REALLY time to switch strategies. This weekend we celebrated my father's birthday, my mom made the most delicious meal. The next day we all watched the San Fransico Giants win game 5 in the World Series with pizza and snacks. I stayed strong!!  That food does not align with my goals, that food does not love me, that food will not take me out on a date, that food will not help me train for a marathon, that food will not help me feel healthy...mind, body and soul. I ate my healthy food and FELT AMAZING TODAY!!  Staying strong is not about "white knuckling" through the cravings.....it's about really looking at your goals and determining if this decision (or eating this) is aligned with my goals.......NO!!! Because I choose life!!

This just makes me laugh!!!

Day 20, 21 and 22.....Three week snapshot.

Day 20, 21 and 22...three week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 10/26/14. Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 370. Total weightloss 8lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/55". Hips 70"/67". Bust 56"/56".  Right Thigh 34"/34". Left thigh 34"/34". Right arm 19"/19". Left arm 21"/19". Right calf 24"/23.5". Left calf 24"/23.5". Body fat not updated. 

Good last three days!!  With all this extra energy and getting bored last weekend, I tried to fill up this current weekend to prevent boredom which eventually leads to eating. I went hiking with my cousin and her daughter. We had so much fun!! Thank you Julie, I love you. 

Day 19....Effortless Eating.

Day 19.....Effortless Eating.

Good day!! I am so appreciating the zero thought that goes into my meals. I have been doing a meal delivery program called Simply Fresh for over a few weeks now and I can say that I am very happy with the program thus far. This past Sunday evening I did not have to think about the week's meals. The fresh packaged food is delivered to my door twice a week and it is pre-packaged into breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack containers. I get up in the morning and grab a breakfast, lunch and snack and I am out the door. I have always wanted to do something like this and thought I would be successful, but never did it until now. I don't have to supplement any food so I don't need to be tempted at the grocery store. I know this is the easy way out. I understand that I need to eventually learn how to make meals and consume appropriate portions for myself, but for now, I am truly happy with this program. Food is a BIG issue for me. I enjoy working out, although, I enjoy it much better when I am not carrying an extra 250 lbs on my frame. Taking away the calorie counting, the preparation, the choice, the temptation, the measuring, and ANXIETY around everything food is what I have been needing. When I was at Fitness Ridge Utah, your meals are planned, prepared and presented to you. I never felt deprived or hungry. I need to emulate that program as much as I can in my real life because I know I was successful. I have heard that weightloss is 90% diet and 10% exercise, providing a cheat meal as your 10%.....but I read something that makes more sense. Weightloss is 100% diet and the gym just speeds up the weightloss. Diet is THAT IMPORTANT PERIOD. Here is a picture of the pre-packaged meals, 1200/day.

Day 18....Humble Pie

Day 18....Humble Pie (the zero calorie kind, but tough to swallow)

So.....have you ever been incredibly embarrassed to walk back into a gym after a LONG absence or ask to start working out with the trainer you flaked on 5 million times!!???  The feeling I get is so awful. How can I go into the gym and face the same regulars that will for sure be there because they have committed to the healthy lifestyle you so desperately want. Some of them would see my hardwork and give me encouraging nods or comments. But as usual, they would continue in their dedicated lifestyle and I would disappear after a few months. I want to make those permanent changes in my life. I want to be that person that incorporates exercise as part of my life ......for the rest of my life. I use to be that person. Now the last ten years have been fiiled with short bursts of killing it at the gym and enjoying the benefits of meeting with a trainer but they never last long and soon I am justifying and finding excuses to not work out.  Day 18.....I ate my "zero calorie but hard to swallow humble pie" and asked.....no begged the trainer that has been patiently waiting for me to finally commit but never wavering in his belief in me, if he would accept me back. HE SAID YES!!!  Again, I professed my commitment, my dedication to hardwork, trusting he will push my mind and body to the challenging limit. This time I am coming to the table with a food plan that has been in effect for almost three weeks, lots of lessons and strategies I learned from Fitness Ridge Utah to help prevent me from the "All or Nothing" mentality that has been my undoing for so long, and the surprising support I am receiving from exposing myself in social media and no longer hiding. I TRULY have nothing to LOSE (except 250 lbs.) and everything to GAIN (my life back).  Oh.....and yes.....I did say to myself as I walked into the gym a few weeks ago after a long absence and during my meeting today with the most amazing trainer.......THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT!!!!!  I choose life!!!

Day 17.....

Day17......

Good day!!!  Gym...check. Clean and healthy eating...check. Positive thoughts....check.  I am feeling confident in my program. 1200 calories a day by Simply Fresh. 1-2 hours of exercise a day. Trying hard to think and say only positive things about myself.

Picture of me at work feeling at peace. I got this!!!

Day 16 .......What do I do with all this extra energy???

Day 16.....

Good day!  Had some serious carb cravings. Loaves of bread around the world were on "High Alert!"    It was funny too, because I ended my work day talking about cravings. Did that conversation get my mind thinking about it??? Hmmmm.....not sure. Anyway, no bread was harmed today. So, food is my "drug of choice."  It has been a source of comfort, my companion, my best friend, it helps me feel better, and it has been the center of my universe for so long. I think about food all the time; when I wake up, at work, when I get home and even in my dreams. This weekend I had a lot of extra energy and started to get bored. Boredom lent itself to a bit of anxiety, anxiety lent itself to looking for comfort and then.....I had an "Aha" moment.  Before, I would eat such terrible food all day long for weeks and months on end and that food made me tired and lethargic, so I spent much of my time taking naps and feeling lousy. I would curse the alarm in the morning, get through work, get my crap food, eat till I was soooo full and take a nap. I would wake up and eat some more and go to bed late and start the day over again. When I am eating healthy and getting regular exercise, I end up with a ton more energy. Because I would not be use to all this extra alert wake time hours, I would get restless and bored. I didn't know what to do with that extra time, because most of that time was spent napping or nursing an upset tummy or headache. Now here is where the "Aha" moment really becomes apparent. Since I have become so out of shape, I became a recluse, I don't have hobbies, etc., so when I would start a health kick that gave me all this extra time, I would get bored, anxiety would creep in and then I would eat to comfort myself. This was a cycle and I see that now. I know I have heard it a thousand times but this time I GET IT!!! I need to think of and start finding other things to occupy my time. This will prevent me from becoming bored and eventually prevent me from thinking about food all the time. I wasn't always this way and this is one of those habits that need to be broken.  There are many triggers for me to want to eat because food has been a source of comfort for me. Time to really get out there and try new things.

Tracy's trying to get her "Groove Back!"  Ha ha ha!!!

Day 15 ...Two week snapshot.

Day 15....Two week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 10/19/14. Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 374. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/56". Hips 70"/69". Bust 56"/56".  Right Thigh 34"/34". Left thigh 34"/33.5". Right arm 19"/19". Left arm 21"/21". Right calf 24"/23.5". Left calf 24"/24". Body fat not updated. 

Pictures: Start of journey/present day. Also a picture of me and Dad at the gym today.

Day 13 and 14....Feeling GOOD, but....

Day 13 and 14....Feeling Good, but....

I have been waking up each morning feeling rested. I feel alert and never overly full throughout the day. The food I am eating is yummy and for the most part, keeping me full. (I am still learning to understand what my body is telling me).   My over all mood and body feel great. So why is this feeling not enough to never want to go back to my old ways?  I have spent the last 10 years fighting this battle of serious obesity. Within those last ten years I have had moments of eating healthy and getting regular exercise. Each time I think about how good it feels to not feel so full from food. But I would go back to my old ways. I would binge eat to a point of being so sick and out of commission for hours. I would often take a nap or lie down feeling miserable. Yet, in some ways I really enjoyed my times of eating anything and everything to my heart's content.  Even as I write this I can see how easy it would be for me to binge eat. But let me clarify.  It wouldn't be a once in awhile thing.  I guess what I am describing would be the days, weeks or even months in a row of binge eating. I didn't get this heavy because once in awhile ate a whole pizza, a 2-liter of soda. and some candy in one sitting.  I would go so many days without eating healthy, I would start to crave fresh food that wasn't processed.  I realized that the crap I was eating had diminished returns and this very concept was proven in one of the lectures I attended at Fitness Ridge, Utah.  The wonderful woman I met there, Jen, was talking about the same thing I had come to realize and why I am writing this blog topic today.  Why would I continue to eat so wrong when after awhile it doesn't feel good anymore????  Why would anyone????  Let me tell you guys........This is what would happen.......I would go the whole day without really eating too much and then after work I would drive to the grocery store and buy tons of candy, baked goods, chips, frozen snacks and pizzas, ice cream and soda.  Then I would hit up a drive-thru and buy food to feed two to three people.  This would be a daily occurrence. There were times that I realized I went days without drinking any water.  I drank nothing but regular soda. The only water that came near my mouth was when I brushed my teeth.  I wasn't happy. I rarely felt alert. My body always felt tired. My mind was foggy and my memory was terrible. Here I am feeling good again. Why would I possibly want to go back to feeling lethargic and miserable?  WHY??!!!!!!   No more!!!!  I CHOOSE LIFE!!  Here is a happy morning selfie :-)

Day 12.....The scale....

Day 12...a good day!!

Dear Scale,

Consider this a warning. I would like you to know that this time you have one job and one job only. I am so confident that this weightloss journey will succeed and part of that journey is putting you in your place. You are just a tool. You are only one measure of my total fitness and weightloss picture. No longer will I allow you to dictate how I feel about myself. So many times I would wake up in the morning, feeling good and then I would step on you and you would tell me I failed and I did not workout enough and/or did not restrict my calories enough. You are no longer allowed to call to me several times a day, begging me to step on you once an hour before bed. Our relationship is in the "friend zone." Nope!!  In fact, we are no longer friends. We are business associates. You and I will meet once a day for a minute. I will take notes on what you say and I will go about my day knowing that the food and exercise I am doing is benefiting me. I will take "notes" (number on the scale) and compare them with my measurements, body fat percentage, the way my clothes fit and body looks. You will just be a part of TeamTracy. You will no longer be the defining object in my life that tells me whether I should like myself or hate myself in that moment. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Tracy

Day 11.....I felt hungry.

Day 11

Good day but I feel hungry. I hope 1200 calories is enough each day. I would hate to start relying on white knuckle willpower!! lol. I have gone so long not listening to the true signs of hunger. I don't know how to tell if it is thirst, hunger, an emotional trigger, etc.  But I will try satisfying all of them before I resort to food. The lectures at Fitness Ridge helped me to realize that thirst mimics the sensation of hunger. I will drink a gallon of water before I eat, in hopes that it was just thirst I was feeling. Ha ha!!  Those lectures also helped me think things through before diving into a bag of chips, swimming in a pool of soda, tearing through the bakery and candy isle like locusts. I will try listening to my body more and see if I can decipher what it wants. I no longer want to treat my body like a garbage dump. I want to respect it, nurture it and protect it, because it can do some pretty amazing things. I also have BIG plans for it when it can start running again. A mantra my brother Darrin told me....."Thank you mind, you're welcome body."

Oh yeah, I licked the bowl and spoon clean!! I have no shame.  I may feel hungry but am I REALLY???

Day 10....A BIG THANK YOU!!

Day 10

A good day!!  A truly big THANK YOU to anyone taking the time to read and comment on my blog/Facebook/Instagram!!! I still can't believe I have put myself completely out there.  I have had a few sleepless nights and a few scary dreams regarding this feeling of being totally exposed. It sometime feels like the real life experience of attending a public speaking engagement and YOU are the one who showed up in just your underwear!! Through all of these feelings, I have never felt more supported, encouraged and loved by so many. I really want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am lifted and feel the strength of an army of people cheering for me. I have a visual of when Forest Gump is running and his group of supporters and running partners keeps getting bigger and bigger. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT AND IT TRULY HELPS!!

Day 9......

Day 9

Today was a good day!! I was so afraid to admit yesterday that I was not strong the whole time since starting this public journey. For crying out loud...it had only been a week and I was already struggling!!  I was no longer hiding, I had put it all out there....what was I going to do?  I want this so bad. Do I not want "it" bad enough? I ask myself this all the time. When it was time to update, I was embarassed and I didn't want to let anyone down. So many people are cheering for me. I know this is my journey and ultimately this about my health.  But now I can say that more than a couple days have passed and I feel strong. I thought I would finish this update with a list of reasons why I want to be healthy:

*I want to live, I choose life
*I want to be light on my feet (dance, sports, high heels)
*I want to take a bath where the water envelopes me
*I want to comfortably paint my toenails
*I want to never feel the embarrassment of breaking chairs
*I want to have many active adventures
*I want to be here for my family
*I want to date
*I want the chance to have a baby if I still can.
*I want to run
*I want my life back

This trail represents my journey back to Tracy.

Day 8....bumpy week!!!

Day 8

Way out of my comfort zone!!! Putting myself out there was going to be freeing!! Everyone can now see what I have done to myself, no more hiding!!  However, I found myself wanting desperately to hide even more and find comfort. When I have all this love and support, why did I find myself at the grocery store with a basket of crap food??!!  Why did I find myself saying the same words I have said over and over......I will start tomorrow. Why did I fall so hard??!!  I am so exposed now.....I can't fail!! I would feel even worse about myself!!  People will judge me even more.  Why didn't I have enough willpower?!!  But it is not about everyone else. It is about me and my life. It is about me and my goals, values, and love for myself. Is what I am doing right now in support of my desired life..?  No.  Then let this time be a momentary lapse and leave it behind and continue towards the path that follows your beliefs.

 Around day 5.......I did it!!! I dug myself out of the pity party that has always led to an unraveling of all good I have done. The "ALL or NOTHING" mentality....NO MORE!!!!  It has been two days of better choices (positive thoughts, good food choices, and time at the gym).

Time to update every day.

I also started Simply Fresh two days ago. It was part of my plan till I start feeling more in control over my food choices and portions. They deliver twice a week and everything you eat is there. I don't have to go to the grocery store for any supplemental food. I know this is an easy way out but it is temporary till I start to respect food again.