Day 57....Eight week snapshot.

Day 57....Eight week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/30/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 347. Total weight loss 31 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/52".  Hips 70"/64". Bust 56"/54.5". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/22.5". Left calf 24"/23". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 1...Emerging from the self-imposed cocoon

Day ....1     Stats: Age 40, Height 5'8",  Weight 378, Measurements: Waist 56", Hips 70", Bust 56", Thighs 34", Arms 19", Calves 22". Body fat 56%.

My name is Tracy. In an effort to start a weight loss journey, it was suggested that I put myself out there for the world to see. This is completely against every feeling I have.  I hide, I never want pictures taken of me, I never take pictures of myself, I rarely go out unless it is for work, the grocery store and until recently the drive-thrus.  I recently got back from a two week life-changing experience, and if not for that experience, I am not sure I would have the courage to do this. Fitness Ridge in St. George, Utah has made this possible. I went there knowing that I would not be able to lose the 250 lbs. needed to get back to a doctor recommended "Healthy weight," but maybe gain the hope that there is still a chance that I can lose this weight naturally without surgery. The atmosphere and the program at Fitness Ridge did just that....I feel ready to take on the world!  As I start my journey, I will open up about me, my daily workouts, food struggles, etc. Stay tuned........

Day 54....THANKFUL!!

Day 54....THANKFUL!!!

I am just soooo THANKFUL!!!  I don't even know where to begin but let me just start by saying that I am so thankful for the KINDNESS in people!! I never even suspected that a community of loved ones, friends and total strangers that take a little time to comment on my Facebook, Instagram, Blog, in person, little gifts, little messages on my desk at work, would have such an overwhelmingly positive impact on me and to be honest.....it has HELPED ME!! I had no idea this would happen. I know I have mentioned this before but it is incredibly supportive and it gives me the HOPE that I CAN DO THIS!!  Thank you!! Here are a few more things I am thankful for.....

*The sunshine and beautiful morning to wake up and exercise this Thanksgiving Day!!
*My health (although I have taken it for granted for too long)
*My body, mainly my body's ability to be strong and more mobile with each pound of fat loss and muscle gained.
*My mind to keep me focused and to no longer abuse myself verbally and mentally.

Life is so precious!!! I am thankful for so much!! Even though today is a day dedicated to giving thanks.....I am thankful EVERYDAY for the kindness of people. I LOVE YOU!!

Day 53...Unconditional LOVE.

Day 53....Unconditional LOVE.

I LOVE my doggie!!! I have always felt the unconditional love from my little love. He licks my tears, shows me only love and excitement when I am around, always wants to be near me, never judges my body, etc., why can't we be more like dogs?!  Came home after another intense workout and he was here to greet me like always!! Third day of my vacation...zoo with nephews, hung with my bro, ate clean, trained mean and gettin' lean. Oh yeah and also drank my water!! 

Day 52....Curse you stair climber!!!

Day 52....Curse you stair climber!!

Absolutely HATE this machine. I call it the mini-escalator that NEVER ENDS!!!  This stair climber totally has my NUMBER!! I started out doing only 3 minutes and now I am doing 6 minutes. I read a saying that I HOPE one day applies to this machine...."What seems hard now will one day be your warm-up."  Bwahahaha!!!  Some day indeed...I am up for the challenge Stair Climber!!!  Another day down of my vacation and gym-check, eating clean-check, still drinking my water-check!!  I so got this!!

Day 51....This will be a LONG journey!!

Day 51....This will be a LONG journey.

Oh yeah, this is a LONG journey!!  I need to remember this when days get rough. I am on a nine day Thanksgiving break from work. I like routine so this will be challenging. I know this about myself. Routine is big. I relish in it, but on the flip side, I have found that when I deviate from that plan a little bit, my life becomes chaotic. It doesn't have to be that way. I have more control than allowing something little to screw things up. I feel like I can be easy going and flexible, but when it comes to taking care of myself, I look for any excuse to fall off the wagon and revert back to old habits.  I have "type A" tendencies and deal with perfectionism in some areas of my life, which I find weird. I have always felt that "Type A/perfectionist people" are structured in all areas of their life.  I think in the past I was in denial about how badly I want to change my lifestyle. If falling off the wagon can be so easily done due to a little deviation in my plan.....then I must not have wanted to change. Ugh!!! That is tough to realize. I want it this time and if/when those tough days hit, I will look back on the below statement and realize that the 51 plus days on this journey cannot possibly be undone with one bad meal or day. Today.....Gym- check, eating clean-check, and drank my water-check!!  I got this!! 

Day 50...Seven week snapshot.

Day 50....Seven week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/23/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 352. Total weight loss 26 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/53".  Hips 70"/64". Bust 56"/55". Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/32". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/23". Left calf 24"/23". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Look who's in town and supporting me with an awesome workout!! Thanks bro!!! 

Day 47...I am doing this for ME!!

Day 47....I am doing this for ME!!

Fitness Ridge posted this recently and it really spoke to me. I truly believe this!! Am I really doing this for myself? I have spent so much time hiding and feeling sorry for myself. A whole decade went by and I was so afraid no one would love me because of the way I looked. Believe me, this was not all in my head. Some people can be cruel. This is a world where there is a great deal of fat shaming. Also, I have been in some embarrassing situations directly related to my size. Hiding with my comfort food was safer. So much time has gone by and I am afraid that I my have missed my chance to find a partner. I have never been married nor had children. I hope those things are still in my future. I feel that is a big motivation; however, I have not been successful with sheer motivation that relies on external factors. My dad said to me yesterday, "Tracy, regardless of what the future holds for you, YOU are what is most important, and YOU will be happier being healthier. This about YOU."  Thank you Dad!  He is so right. I really really really need to do this for myself. It is not about wearing cute clothes again, dating, running, skiing, having babies, etc.  Those things will be GREAT, but during the quiet times by myself when no one else is watching or around, are my core beliefs truly about getting healthy for me?......I think they are this time!!!

Day 46...Nervous!!

Day 46....Nervous!!

I have been on a fresh food delivery program, that pre-portions, fresh food at a total of 1200 calories a day that is tasty. However, I received an email the other day that said they will postpone the food for four days during Thanksgiving. I will have to feed myself during those days. I completely understand because I truly believe everyone should have time off. I wasn't planning on doing this program forever, I just wasn't prepared to practice so soon. I feel confident that I will get through this. I am just a bit nervous. Do I plan every bite? Do I allow one meal to splurge? Do I allow a whole day of splurging? I have to keep in mind my goals and ask myself....."Does this plan align with my goals?" To be continued..........I have been following some people on Instagram that post some great healthy meal options. I am thankful for the community of people who are on the same path.

Day 45....Tough day at work, TRIGGER!

Day 45....Tough day at work, TRIGGER!!

Well...a definite trigger to want to come home and literally eat the WORLD, is having a tough day at work. As a teacher, we have so much responsibility and I always feel I can do MORE. I compare myself to teachers that I think are AMAZING (smarter, more organized, put in more hours, etc.) and I know that I am not at that level. As I address the class and I see yawning, talking, doodling, it makes me question my ability to teach. When a colleague talks about you or a staff member gives you a passive dig, it can be tough. I sit back and wonder, am I cut out for this job. These young minds are so important to mold right. I often ask myself, are the students being inspired and loving to learn, do my students' parents think I am doing a good job, and do my colleagues respect me?? Tough questions, and sometimes I don't have the confidence. Coming home and anesthetizing myself with food would provide me the comfort to face the next day; however, today I dealt with the discomfort. Tomorrow is a new day to make a difference. I know that I care about my students' education, future and happiness. I want to earn the respect of my colleagues and parents. I am a life long student myself and I will continue to grow and improve. 

Day 44...Stadium seating, ugh!!!

Day 44...Stadium seating, ugh!!!

Day 44...Basketball game with the family. What??!! No way!! A sporting event with tiny seats!! Believe me, I am nowhere near the size I need to be in order to feel comfortable in those tiny seats. It is uncomfortable and embarrassing squeezing into the seat and sitting next to someone and fully encroaching on their space, but with the encouragement of my family, we all went. This is an example of the type of thing I would NEVER attend. I ended up having a great time being flanked by my brother and nephew!!! But I have to say, it was not comfortable and it would have been terrible if I had to sit next to a stranger. I probably would have opted to stand. I would never want a total stranger to have to sit next to me. My family understands that, so they sat on either side of me.  Kings 94, Spurs 91. 

Day 43....Six week snapshot.

Day 43....Six week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/16/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 358.  Total weightloss 20 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/53.5". Hips 70"/65". Bust 56"/55.5"Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/33". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/23". Left calf 24"/23.5". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 40...I have to love myself now.

Day 40...I have to love myself now.

I have touched on this before but in order to be successful on this journey, I have to love, value and respect myself NOW. I can't wait to love and respect myself when I am at my goal weight because that puts too much emphasis on the exterior. I am so much more than a number on the scale, or the size of my pants. I am a smart, supportive, caring, loyal, funny, loving, and kind person. When I was told that a key element of having a successful journey is loving myself now, it was tough to hear. I realized I have put too much focus on my weight; however, it was hard not to because it impacts so much of my life. I have felt disabled. It had nothing to do with appearance after awhile. I could not ski, run, sit in all types of chairs, fit into booths or movie theater seats anymore  I could go on and on. I truly did not like the way I looked or felt.  I don't like the fact I have limited mobility. I don't like many things that have come as a result of being this heavy. Feeling valued within yourself and by other people is important. I was reminded of that yesterday. I was given a gift that made me smile and warmed my heart so much. It was from a very sweet co-worker/friend. She gave me the most lovely note that accompanied it. It was a gift from Victoria's Secret. I have not stepped foot in that store for over ten years. She gave me something that she thought I would love and be motivated to wear one day. I want to feel pretty and wear pretty things, but when you don't like yourself or take care of yourself, you barely smile, let alone wear pretty things. You don't want any attention brought to yourself. I love her for thinking of me and telling me you can start wearing pretty things anytime!! Thank you so much Linda!!!

Day 39.....I started small.

Day 39....Start small.

I have been asked how and what I did to start this journey as far as exercise. When you have this much weight on your body and joints, the act of standing up unassisted is incredibly hard. How could I even consider getting on a treadmill for hours or participate in an exercise class, etc.???!!! I became so sedentary that I lost so much muscle accompanied by an exponential amount of weight added each year. My body atrophied. As a teacher, you generally stand up in front of the class, walk around helping students, walking down the halls, and doing yard duty of some kind. I was getting to a point where I was becoming increasingly embarrassed that I could not hold a casual conversation with someone without sweating and desperately looking for something to lean on or sit on. I couldn't even sit in the student desks. A few years ago I started to workout. My trainer said to make a daily appointment with myself and don't break it. It is your commitment to yourself, similar to your job. He told me to start small, even if it is just changing into your workout clothes, driving to the gym and walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes. You could even take a walk outside for 10 minutes. But each week add more minutes and another one or two exercises, like modified wall push-ups and squats. No matter what, your first few weeks will SUCK!!! You will want to die!! Ha ha ha!! However, after a bit, you will start to feel stronger. Nobody ever says they hate the way they feel after working out. It is the hard work and uncomfortableness before and during the workout that can be a struggle. Whatever you do, make a commitment to yourself everday that honors your goals because you are worth it. Start small and continue to challenge yourself. You help me so much by reading these blogs, I would do anything to help others too.

Day 38...Look who's filling her dance card!!

Day 38....Look who's filling her dance card!!!

I am just finishing up a four day weekend. Before this journey, I would have spent the entire time in bed watching TV, playing games and/or reading, while eating massive amounts of junk food. I would have probably stopped by the store Friday after work, planning a four day binge of frozen pizza, baked goods, candy, chips and tons of soda. Even though I would be excited to spend that time vegging out with my food, I would have hated the effort it takes to go into the store, walk the isles, while hanging onto the cart because it was hard to walk or even stand up for long periods of time. I would also dread the looks from the cashier as he/she wrung up around $100 worth of crap food. I would get comments like, "Having a party?"  I would lie of course, and say yes, but I hated that little bit of exchange. I guarantee that the cashiers knew exactly what was going on by looking at me. I was happy when self-checkout came about, although that was exhausting. BUT LET ME TELL YOU....I planned my four days off ahead of time to be active, social and spend very little time relaxing in bed, if any. I went to see the movie Interstellar, I went on an art passport tour with two cousins, my aunt and a friend to support my amazing artist cousin, I saw so much beautiful art and walked all around,  I went to a co-worker/friend's house and a group of us made lumpia together (a bit tough to be around food but I stayed strong and ate my special meals), I went hiking twice with a cousin and a friend, I went trap shooting (I don't really like guns but it was a really cool experience shooting clay pigeons), and I ended the four day weekend meeting with my trainer.  Normally, I would have NO energy going into work tomorrow, but I guarantee when I wake up in the morning I will be happy that I made great choices that align with my goals and have lots if energy to take on the week. Thank you mind for keeping my head in the game!!!  Here's a picture of me at the trap shooting range. WHAT AM I DOING??!! I feel like I would try anything and everything to keep busy, Ha ha ha!!

Day 37...Because I can!!

Day 37...Because I can!!

I feel like killing it in the gym today!! I have Monday and Tuesday off from work this week. What to do??? I will end both days crawling out of the gym.....why.....BECAUSE I CAN!!!  I don't want to take one more day for granted. I am not getting any younger and I need to respect my body. There's my motivation. Drops mic and walks off stage. Ha ha ha ha!!! 

Day 36...Five week snapshot.

Day 36.....Five week snapshot. 

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/9/14.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 361.  Total weightloss 17 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/54". Hips 70"/65.5". Bust 56"/56".  Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/34". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/23". Left calf 24"/23.5". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 33...Rocky's got nothing on this girl!!

Day 33...Rocky's got nothing on this girl!!

Good day!!  Mixed up the workout today. I have heard that keeping your body guessing is GREAT for weightloss. My regular trainer, Adam, had an appointment today so he set me up with a sub who incorporated kickboxing. I have to admit....I have never been a big fan of kickboxing because it is way too HARD when done right!!  Putting all my weight on one leg requires a lot of balance as I kick the bag. Standing or jogging in place as I hit the bag takes a lot of effort. I am not one to complain but I just don't think I am light enough on my feet in order to do this very intensive workout. Regardless of my feelings, I still did it once a week at Fitness Ridge, Utah and when I found out it was going to be part of my workout today, I went after it. It was a tough workout and I feel great. Thank you for a great workout Fitness Rangers, Sacramento. I can't wait to start getting better at it because it is truly an all over body workout. I dedicate this workout to an AMAZING trainer at Fitness Ridge, Utah, Sharon.  "Jab, jab, cross, uppercut, repeat!!"  Thank you!!!!!

Day 32...A better life is out there!!

Day 32....A better life is out there!!

A good day!! (Shhh...don't wake or tell the tantruming 4 year old inside me but....I think the junk food craving that I have been having the last four days has gone away).  So....this past Sunday I watched my precious nephews for a few hours. When I would watch these beautiful, very active boys in the past, I would put on the television and hang out with them in just one room. I would sit on the couch and watched as they played.  It breaks my heart that I would even admit this because little kids need a place to roam, explore, play pretend, etc., and I never had the energy nor the ability to stand in one place for very long, which is required to push them on a swing or to spot them as they are climbing up the jungle gym. Many moms express this same thing but I don't even have a child let alone a boyfriend. For some reason, that was not enough motivation to make me lose weight. BUT....this weekend, I took the littles to the park. We played on the swings, seesaw, slide, and jungle gym. We walked around and found big sticks to play with, we walked through bushes for adventures, I piled a bunch of leaves together and they jumped in them and threw the leaves around and we stayed for an hour and a half. I did not sit down once. A better life is out there and I want it!!!

Day 31.... Why do I even think about you??!!

Day 31...Why do I even think about you??!!

Rough day!!  I don't understand why I would even crave junk food when it has done NOTHING for me. It is not my friend, it doesn't love me, it doesn't hold my hand, it won't marry me or bring me a child, it won't help me do anything but give me.....maybe....10 minutes of pleasure. Then I would get sick with a tummy ache and end up feeling terrible about myself. This is a very familiar state. I would become obsessive over food and even go to bed dreaming about it. I would wake up and be so happy that I did not succumb to a bingeing episode. I would be so happy I stayed strong. I have talked to people about this feeling and be told to wait it out and the feeling will pass. Sometimes it would last for days and I eventually give in. It is like I have a tantruming kid inside me and I have created this monster that will outlast my willpower. I do BELIEVE that each time I outlast the tantruming kid inside me, the time will be lessened with each battle won. I want to be stronger this time because I choose LIFE!!!

Day 30....Hey Trac, let's do squats!!

Day 30...Hey Trac, let's do squats!!

Good day!!  Since starting this journey a few people have reached out to me to get together for hiking or walking. A co-worker popped into my classroom the other morning. We happen to have the same prep period. She said, "Hey Trac, let's do squats every morning during our prep!"  Well...needless to say we are now doing squats (30 day squat challenge) and crunches (30 day crunch challenge). I am loving it because we are checking in with each other and holding each other accountable. I am feeling stronger. In combination with all my other working out, I can feel that this extra 10 minutes is helping. I use to think that all exercises had to be done during the hour or two I was at the gym while I was already sweating. I did not realize that 5-10 minutes of squats and crunches would have any effect if not immediately combined with another hour of working out. I learned that any and all exercise throughout the day added up. This is not an "Aha" moment as in discovering some major concept but more of an understanding that it really does have an impact. Taking the stairs, parking further away, 10 minutes of squats and crunches WORKS!! Don't judge, but here we are on the gross classroom floor having just finished our crunches. Thanks Karen, let's keep it up!!

Day 29....Four week snapshot.

Day 29...Four week snapshot.


Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 11/2/14. Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378, Current Weight 364. Total weightloss 14 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/54". Hips 70"/65.5". Bust 56"/56".  Right Thigh 34"/32".  Left thigh 34"/34". Right arm 19"/18". Left arm 21"/18.". Right calf 24"/23". Left calf 24"/23.5". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 27 & 28...Halloween & Good rest day!!

Day 27 & 28...Halloween & Good rest day!!

Day 27... I stayed on program, worked out and didn't have any candy for Halloween. Day 28...I really responded to this and I think it speaks to all of us who are working on improving themselves. Exposing myself and being vulnerable like this is so nerve wracking!! I truly believe this journey and accomplishing it will be one of the hardest things I do. The weekends are rough. I am trying so hard to keep busy. I am fighting the temptations so much more when I am not doing something. This rest day reminds me of the days of eating crap all day long and laying in bed watching TV for hours.