Day 231.....Take my money, please.

Day 231....Take my money, please.

I am doing GREAT!!! On track and feeling good for 12 days!! It is now time to tell you what occurred during this absence. I gained 42 pounds. I was back up to 319 lbs. I was eating the world, not working out consistently. I have since lost 21 of those pounds. It has been ROUGH. PERIOD. Family, friends were nervous, frustrated, supportive, etc. I WAS AFRAID. But I already told you all that before.

So.....what has been the new strategy that has helped me the past 12 days???.....Among going to new classes like Barre and Yoga, I started meditating, listening to podcasts, reading books and watching movies on self-help.....But the biggest help is....I no longer have access to my money. I know that sounds weak, childish and drastic but I can't seem to make the right decisions daily. Too many weeks went by and I would be good for two-three days and then right back to binge eating. Those weeks accounted for the 42 pound weight gain. I am still working out but I know that weightloss is 100% because of nutrition and exercise just accelerates the weightloss. I understand this will be temporary. Obviously, I need to learn to make healthy decisions for myself but if there is some intervention that I could put in place that will prevent me from gaining most of my weight back, then I will do it. Again, nothing has changed, there should be no reason why I have fallen so hard. BUT until I get my head right and discover along this journey why I keep turning to food to deal with emotions.....I WILL NOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT BACK!!!

Day 227....At this "moment."

Day 227.....At this "moment."

"You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are," said Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have heard this said in different ways and it is currently resonating with me. I recently watched the movie, "The Shift, from Ambition to Meaning." During my frequent absences from blogging I have been searching within myself and from others for the motivation, strength, etc., to get back on track and live the life I was enjoying. There has been so much I have missed over the last few months. I was loving the way my body was feeling. I felt lighter. I loved seeing changes in my strength, energy level, my shrinking body. I loved the way I felt after a healthy and nourishing meal, I didn't feel overly full and in need of a nap. I loved that I would enjoy filling up my day instead of anxiously wanting to get back to laying in bed. And I miss most of all.....the way I was feeling and looking forward to my brighter future. I was feeling so lost, in crisis, fearful and desperate. However, I was not lost as I was fearing...I was still on my journey. My "ego" was in my way. My old story I keep playing over and over in my head is starting to change. "Our authentic self is way beyond our ego," says Dyer. I want to tell you that I have been fearful writing/blogging lately because I don't want to keep writing about my going back and forth between doing good and struggling so frequently. I wanted to get back on track for awhile and then start talking about what I have been up to and what finally got me back on track. But even this statement of saying "I was fearful" contradicts what I have been discovering about myself. I don't want to be afraid nor question my path at the moment. It just is. "Because we are only a thought away from changing our life," Dyer. I have written so many draft blogs recently but this one feels right. Thank you Amina, Scott, Adam, Shane, Aunt Deb, Jenny, Amy, Charlene, Tracy, Sherrie, Doug, Shannon, Ryan B., Ryan A., Trish, Anne, Jen, Wendy, LaVon, mom, Mollie, Jackie, and maybe a few I missed. You have lifted me and nudged me to this point. THANK YOU!!

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

I spent a few hours at the Whole Hearted Juice Co. today where I feel nothing but LOVE and SUPPORT!! Why do I push away the things that support me when I fall off track? Part of me feels embarrassed. I don't want anyone to know that I am weak and struggling. Part of me thinks that I purposefully stay away because I don't want to get back on track. I am not sure. Nonetheless, I really do love the energy of this place that embodies love of "spirit and health." I also get to chat with my nutrition coach, Scott, while I am there. I will be enjoying a much needed juice cleanse tomorrow and I will start incorporating the juice cleanse once a week like I was doing before. Just another step towards getting back on track to what was proving successful.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful today for the people I have met at Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 214....Change of plans.

Day 214....Change of plans.

So....tonight was going to be the start of my transformation retreat but not enough people showed up for it to be productive. They canceled and I plan to attend another time. This is rare according to the owners....so I am taking it as a sign. I had a scheduling conflict that I was not looking forward to dealing with as well (my school has open house tomorrow night and I would have missed 7 hours of the retreat on Friday so I could go to work). I have to be honest...I was relying on this 4-day retreat as a way to get my mind right and back on track and now I am more scared than ever!! I know this was not the correct way of looking at it but I was putting all my eggs in this basket......so.....change of plans. Breathe, be calm, re-read all the amazing words of encouragement my friends have said to me, re-read all the wonderful and insightful texts from my trainer and coach, take one minute at a time, remember my goals and WHY I started.

Here are just a few things sent to me or I read that speak to me. There are many more but these are just a few:

From Suzette

 I read this on Kari's FB. She has got a way with words.

 From Scott.

Day 213....BARRE Class.

Day 213....BARRE Class.

My AMAZING friend Rebecca, whom I have known since high school, is teaching Barre!! If it weren't for her encouragement, pure love and acceptance, belief in me and a lot of "I know you can do it," cheers.....I am not sure when I would feel confident enough to try Barre. Isn't she a "doll face!!"  I am so happy for her and her beautiful family of three. She is a shining example of what I am working towards. Thank you so much for a great class!! Oh and by the way....Rebecca and I worked our asses off doing a 30 minute circuit right before Barre class. That was 90 minutes of sweat equity!! See ya next week for the same thing. Woohoo!!!

Day 212....WHY??!!

Day 212.....WHY???!!!

It is just this simple.......I don't want to be overweight anymore! My life has been on hold TOO LONG!!! I can't get back on track for more than a few days at a time and then I am back to eating like crap. Why??????? Why is it so much harder right now?? Why do I treat my body like a garbage disposal? I have not resorted to extreme diet restrictions this time but I still can't get my mind in the game. People say it happens because you are tired, stressed, addicted, using food as a vice for emotions, no self-love, etc. Whatever it is, I am in crisis mode. PERIOD! I am so scared that the now 30 lbs I have gained back will become 100 lbs two months from now. What do I do? I need help. I need the "Eye of the Tiger" strength again. You know what is so weird...????....I have all the tools at my fingertips that have proven successful so far, yet.....I feel so lost and unable to put what I know into action for more than a couple days.

A few things that are making me hopeful.....
*My school staff has put on a weightloss challenge. May 1st - May 29th. I joined.
*I am attending an intensive 4 day transformation retreat this week.
*I am trying new workout classes for the first time. (Yoga and Barre)