Day 117...Keeping my body guessing.

Day 117....Keeping my body guessing.

I tried spinning today after my training session. Originally, I gave myself an out and said if I could hang for at least 30 minutes during the 50 minute class, I will consider that an accomplishment. I also know that I am unable to do some of the moves on the bike, but I would try my best. Putting all my weight on one leg is just too much still. I stayed the whole 50 minutes and did MY BEST!! Major accomplishment!! I have heard that you must keep the body guessing on what type of exercise I put it through and that is good for weight loss. I am not sure I will do it again soon because my booty is just so sore and I need to be a bit lighter. I use to really enjoy spinning and look forward to that major calorie BURN!!

Day 116....Side effects.

Day 116.... Side effects.

I am hoping that I can help at least one person by talking about this. A year ago, I was doing awesome on my weight loss journey but a few things were derailing me and making me stress out. I had such a set back and almost undid everything I worked so hard to achieve. I am thinking that by talking about the side effects, positive and negative, will help me relax and stay on track during the hard times.

1.  I am losing SO MUCH HAIR!! Hair loss is a side effect of weight loss.  My hair is falling out in clumps. This happened last year and I didn't understand why. I thought I had some MAJOR DISEASE and I was going to go to the doctor and find out I only had a little while to live. I am not kidding!! That is where my mind goes!!  With that way of thinking, I got myself all worked up and fell off the wagon hard and around four months later, I noticed I had a ton of short hairs growing in. Now my hair is falling out again but it is to be expected and hopefully it will grow back. However, I have to keep thinking....would I rather be dead from obesity or have very thin hair?

2.  I am sorry if this is too much information, but again, I consider this an online journal and I am laying it ALL out there. My menstrual cycle was all messed up when I weighed over 400 lbs. Sometimes I had a period and sometimes I didn't. Before all this weight gain, I was like clockwork. But over the course of 10 years, I never really gave it much thought. Eating right, getting regular exercise, and losing over 100 lbs., my "Aunt Flow" is showing up again like clockwork and so is my cousin, "PMS!"  EVERYTHING.....is getting back to normal and it is taking me a bit to get use to it. And I mean EVERYTHING!!  Cravings for food, emotional psychoness and being in the "mood." All of which I medicated and pushed away with food for many years. I didn't think I had those feelings anymore but they are there and let's just say that after a 10 year dry spell, I can't wait to start dating again. I am thinking this summer I will put myself out there. Yikes!!!

3. Being complimented!! This a good side effect but sometimes I don't know how to respond. For so long I had given up on myself.

4.  Regret...I wasted a WHOLE DECADE!! I still feel like I am 30 years old. No matter how I try and rationalize it...regret rears its ugly head and floors me. I want to live without fear and regret!!

5.  More energy...I know I have talked about this before but with all this extra energy, I sometimes don't know what to do. I no longer need many naps, I get bored easily, my mind starts to over think and I can't shut it down. I am currently looking into hobbies.

6.  No more brain fog...I am handling issues a bit better at work. I am able to recall and make decisions more efficiently.

7.  I am impatient.....a little success is causing me to want to skip, fast forward, bypass ALL THIS STRUGGLE and start working on maintenance. I have such a long way to go and I so admire people who have stuck with it. This is hard work and I know that this is supposed to be an adopted lifestyle and not a DIET. I get so frustrated at times and question if this is really sustainable. I love the way I feel, I love the food I am eating and I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS LIVING!!  I am so impatient at times and staying on this journey any longer than four months is huge!!

8. Loose skin...not sure what I will look like at the end but all I need to think about is....would I rather be obese or have some loose skin?  Nuff said.

9.  My emotions are raw and fully exposed. I am not pushing them down with food anymore and I am no longer hiding. I am getting to know me again. Heavy sigh.....

Day 115.....Future Milestones!!! Why not say them OUT LOUD!!??

Day 115....Future Milestones!! Why not say them OUT LOUD!!??

I have a few goals that are close to being achieved so I thought I would put them on record and speak openly and honestly about why they are my goals.

1.  Getting under 300 lbs.  This is not a big goal but it will be nice to no longer see a "3" in front of my weight.

2.  Getting under 275 lbs.  This is the next biggest goal of mine that I have my eye on and I am really excited about. Getting under 275 lbs. is pretty big because the last time I was real serious about losing weight, Adam and I left off near 275 lbs. It was around nine years ago.

3.  The length of the journey lasting longer than four months. I usually give up after four months. Anything and everyday over four months is a record!!!  That means Day 120 and beyond.....

I know these are mostly weight related goals and that goes against the main goal of this journey, which is to become healthy, fit, strong, mentally healthy, have a healthy relationship with food, etc. But a woman my height and age should not be in the two hundreds so these milestones align with the journey goals.

Day 114...."Clean and Jerk!?" What!!??

Day 114...."Clean and Jerk!!??" What!!??

So....let me first say that I have seen this move before.......IN THE OLYMPICS!!!  Not done by Tracy!!!! When Jake first showed me the day's circuit and it involved this exercise called the "Clean and Jerk," I was a little apprehensive....scratch that....A LOT apprehensive!!  Ha ha ha!! I have seen REAL weightlifters drop weights, break bones, and joints coming out of their sockets before with this move!! Jake assured me that he was confident that I could do this because of my athletic background. "Ok Jake....I'll try it of course." He thought I did fairly good for my first time. I say it is not pretty to look at, seeing all the giggles but whatevs.....I did a "Clean and Jerk!" Next stop.....sign me up for Ms. Gold's Gym!! Bwahahahahah!!!

Day 113....Sixteen week snapshot.

Day 113...Sixteen week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 1/25/15.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 309.  Total weight loss 69 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/48". Hips 70"/60". Bust 56"/51.5" Right Thigh 34"/30".  Left thigh 34"/30". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21.5". Left calf 24"/22". Body fat 56%  / not updated.

Day 110...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Scott.

Day 110....TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Scott.

The last part of TeamTracy is probably the most important. Although there is one honorable mention but I don't think an entire blog should be dedicated to it, and that is.....my SUPPORTIVE athletic wear!!  Ha ha ha!!! Thank you "sports bra" for being a part of TeamTracy!!

Ok, back to being serious....the most important part of this journey is my relationship with FOOD...., or rather, nutrition. I really feel this is the "FRONT LINES" of this weight-loss battle. Working with Adam (my fitness trainer) over the last 10 years off and on, he knows that this was one aspect that I am struggling with the most. He has been trying to connect me with different people or ideas for so long. Each time or person......it just doesn't last. It has nothing to do with them but me. Maybe I was not ready or I didn't connect or whatever the reason may be....it just didn't stick. Well......enter Scott. I was skeptical, of course, as I always am when Adam recommends another potential team member for me. Adam NEVER gives up on me!!! But I never want to give up and I always want to be open to new ways of thinking. Fast forward a couple meetings with Scott, a couple personalized shopping trips, a cooking lesson, all while being educated on the nutrition. I WAS BLOWN AWAY!!!!!! Scott is a phenomenal nutritionist, coach, athletic trainer, paddle board trainer, cold-pressed juice owner, all things health and the emodiment of LOVE......kind of guy!!! I am sold and ready to listen long term; however, Scott has his hands full because I am constantly being challenged with my old ways of thinking (which obviously got me no where but somehow still seem to creep up). Each time this occurs, Scott finds the patience, understanding, reasoning and finesses the conversation back to loving and respecting my body. I have such a strong will and I have NEVER been challenged like this. But this is exactly what I needed...breaking down the mental cloak of..."I got this....when really, I don't."

I have read things that say "The Losing Weight Battle is fought 80% in the kitchen and 20% in the gym.....or.....100% in the kitchen and the gym only expedites and increases the rate at which you lose weight"....but I feel this battle is fought 100% in my head....., and food/nutrition and exercise are just TOOLS. The relationship I have created "mentally" around food and its sole purpose is where my battle...my "Front Lines" is being waged. I enjoy ALL food!! Yeah,... I tend to gravitate towards high fat, sugar, processed, carbohydrate foods but I also REALLY enjoy whole/natural foods too. I really don't discriminate. Any time I have tried to lose weight, I put more focus on eating healthier, but I always struggle with portion size. For instance, I know a better option was a Subway sandwich verses a McDonald's cheeseburger but I would be able to eat 2 full footlongs in one sitting. The FULL feeling is sometimes what I think I am addicted to. When I eat, sometimes I get full on a small portion and other times I feel like there is not enough food in the world to fill me up. I literally reflect back on some meals and think....."How could I have eaten that much FOOD, where did it all fit?!"  Many times my food binges are planned because that "full" feeling is so powerful, that I need to be able to lay down, sleep or watch TV, etc., basically a place that is away from people, responsibility, and there is nothing I have to do or somewhere I have to be for the next couple hours. I also obsessed about food. It would haunt my dreams, it would be the first thing I thought about when I woke up, and many times throughout the day. I never liked the "full" feeling at work, so often times I would have a bag of chips, cookies and some sort of snack from Starbucks at work with me to keep me somewhat satisfied or I would just drink soda or coffee, which kept me from feeling hungry. Then on my way home, I would stop at the grocery store and prepare for a binge.

I understand that there are so many "gimmicks" out there and TOO much information to confuse us all about Diet and Nutirition. Believe me, I am one of those people that gets super overwhelmed with all the information out there. I am ALL or NOTHING!! So when I am making the commitment to be healthy then ALL supposed "Healthy" things come into hyper-focus.  I find myself getting paralyzed with anxiety about how, when, how much, why, what...TO EAT!!!! Some health experts even think this is the purpose...to keep us guessing ALL THE TIME!!  I am honestly starting to agree with them.  The food industry is a Zillion Dollar industry and money is power and controlling. Scott is teaching me so much about the importance of nutrition...not just about what is healthy and what is not, but what foods to eat together and what foods should be eaten alone.  I am also learning that food is to be appreciated and rewarding for your body.  I have heard the saying, "Food is fuel, not therapy." That is a great saying and to take it many, many steps forward......food is your expression of love to your mind, body and soul. Every morsel and bite is a way of nourishing every fiber and cell in your body.  Loving yourself from the inside out is what Scott is teaching me. I am no longer treating my body like a garbage disposal. I was slowing dying from all the toxins I was eating. "I am so sorry BODY, I really do love you," and I am learning more and more everyday to treat my body with LOVE and KINDNESS. However, this is where the mental aspect can rear its ugly head. I can be feeling so good about myself and also be fragile enough where something can make me want to medicate myself with food. I believe this to be the HARDEST aspect of this journey. I no longer want my knee-jerk reaction to be to reach for bad food to help me through those feelings. I have been working with Scott for just over a month now and already I feel transformed. I also know that nutrition shouldn't be difficult to understand. We all know that a better option is an apple over a bag of Cheetos, but what I am learning and was NEEDING to learn....was counting calories and weighing food wasn't necessary and if we all think about it...that is not sustainable...who wants to be doing that all the time.  The true lesson has been to understand food and its importance to our HEALTH. For instance, most of our bodies are running on the fuel source of sugar and I am training my body to start using fat as its main fuel source. Now this sounds like the low-carb, ketosis, no sugar kind of diet we have been hearing about and that may be...however, I am also learning that protien does not have to come from animals, it can come from plant based foods like broccoli. I can't believe how much protein broccoli has!! I know I have a long ways to go but I look forward to absorbing everything he has to teach me. Thank you so much Scott!!

Contact info:

Fitness Rangers, Adam Attia and Scott Estrada: 916.739.1100

Scott Estrada
Fitness. Nutrition. Stand Up Paddle.Lifestyle
916.541.0813
www.riseup.com
Bringing the best 100% organic cold-pressed juices, tonics and artisan nut/seed milks directly to where you live, work, and play!!
#bewholehearted
www.wholeheartedjuice.com

Day 109...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! A fitness resort.

Day 109...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! A fitness resort.

One of the most important pieces to this SUCCESSFUL journey, (I confidently say "successful" because I truly believe this time it is happening), is the fitness resort I stayed at for two months in 2013 and the one I stayed at for two weeks in October 2014. The resort is currently going through a name change so I am not sure how to refer to it. For the purpose of this blog, I will refer to it as "The fitness resort."  It is my understanding that they will have a new name this week and I will let you know when I find out.

How did I get to go to a WONDERFUL FITNESS RESORT!!???  I am not rich, parents are not rich and this was a VERY EXPENSIVE and AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL PLACE!! A little background...

Towards the end of my second year of teaching, knowing I passed BTSA, and no pink slip...the summer of 2013 was going to be the start of my weight loss journey, NO MORE EXCUSES!! I looked into the weight loss surgery again for the third time and again, I really didn't have the support of my family....they were just so scared of the possible side effects and in the past I have never been able to lose the weight in order to have the surgery. That's when I started looking at "fitness resorts" to help me lose the weight so I could get the surgery. I think my family saw the desperate situation I was in. My father did the most wonderful and GENEROUS thing....he said that he liked the "fitness resort" idea and pulled money out of his retirement to pay for me to go the entire summer, which was two months. His thinking was that I would go and lose weight and continue to do it on my own without getting the surgery. I was so happy! I told him that "if" I ever got married, he would not have to pay for a dime because of the expense of this resort. The last day of school, the summer of 2013, was a Thursday and my parents and I were heading to Malibu, CA that Sunday to check me in. I googled the place, saw videos, testimonials, etc., but I truly had no idea what was to come.

Monday morning, 6am very healthy breakfast, 7am on a van to take us to a two hour assessment hike,...WHAT!!!!??? Brand new camelpack on, sunscreen, hat, etc.  CHECK!! One issue...I was not able to stand unassisted for more than a few minutes and by some MIRACULOUS effort I was going to spend two hours on my feet and HIKING up a hill?! No way!! I was absolutely going to DIE on that hill. Two plus hours later, many tears, cursing under my breath, this is what happened...vans left to return all the other guests back to the resort because they ALL finished....myself and a few hiking guides stayed behind because I was still on the hill. They were encouraging me to finish and fight past the pain and emotions. I was the only guest left on that hill. It was clear that I was completely out of shape and struggling hard. I HAD NO BUSINESS BEING HERE...is all I kept saying. No way was I going to finish this hike and then complete a total of 3-4 more hours of exercise that the resort program had planned. My parents, family, friends, co-workers are all going to be let down, I was going to let myself down. There was literally NO WAY I WILL SURVIVE THIS!!! I could go on and on about all the details of true survival that I experienced. I ended up staying, of course. I knew I was not going to lose 280 plus pounds in two months but what I needed from this experience was HOPE. What I found was hope, confidence, strength, friends and a feeling of being ALIVE again. The thing about this place that I did not do but I did the second time I went in October 2014, is attend all the lecture classes that help you learn about nutrition, teach you about emotional eating, discover why you got to this place, etc. Instead, I took those class times to rest in between exercise classes.  When I went back in October 2014, I promised myself that I would attend all those classes.

So what happened to me after coming back from two months at the fitness resort in 2013?  Well...I lost 50 pounds then I kept it going for a couple months afterwards, losing a total of 95 pounds. I had moved into my own place, got a new puppy, and started working out with Adam again. During December 2013, I stopped working out at 5:15 in the morning, made excuses, or for whatever reason, I stopped living a lifestyle that I was enjoying and I don't know WHY!! But what followed was worse...I was letting all the money earned by blood, sweat and tears from my parents go to waste. I could hardly face them with every pound I gained. I did not gain it all back. The summer of 2014, one of the guests I met in Malibu intervened and gifted me (although, I am going to pay him back), two weeks in October. He was so impressed with my workout and progress that he was so saddened to hear that I had lost my way. Like I said, I went to EVERY lecture at the fitness resort this time. This place works!!! I even threatened the owners that I was going to become a squatter and never leave!! I fell in LOVE with this place and it has given me the tools needed to continue. I even found the courage to take this journey public because of my experience there. Thank you for providing a fitness paradise for the mind, body and soul, where I was able to rediscover myself!!  Michelle, Cameron, Sharon, Tracy, Robyn, Tiffany, Cera, Sione, Jennifer, Emily, Chef Sam, Ivana, Victoria, Cameron, Micaela, Jake, Selena, JR, Dorothy, TJ, there are so many more that I am running out of space, THANK YOU!!!

Day 108...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Jake.

Day 108....TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Jake.

Fitness Rangers has an AMAZING group of trainers that the owner Adam has assembled. When I humbly reached out to Adam again, four months ago, as I have done several times over 10 years...and begged him to take me back, we talked about how things needed to be different this time....or rather...Adam TOLD ME how I needed to be different. I was not allowed to go "dark" on him. We had to at least communicate about my struggles and I needed to be upfront. Another thing that was different was he and his beautiful wife were expecting their first child and he would not be able to train me for a certain amount of time, but he would line up a trainer to work with me during his absence. He introduced me to Jake. Let me first explain, that although I can be pleasant and do as I am told with any trainer, I have a difficult time with just any random person. I am already VERY EMBARRASSED with my size, the way things jiggle, the noises of DYING coming over me, etc. I have worked with other trainers before but NONE come close to Adam and his ability to make me fill comfortable and push me at the same time. It has nothing to do with the other trainers' ability, personality or skill, but more of the fact that I am just so embarrassed and I need to feel SUPER comfortable. I trust Adam 100%!!!! The time was coming close to his baby's arrival, so....Adam had me start working out with Jake. Of course I put on a brave face and I was ready to work, but it was all business and I would anxiously and obediently wait for Adam's return. Well....JAKE IS AWESOME!!! His pleasant smile, nurturing and gentle demeanor coupled with "LET'S DO THIS and DON'T QUIT and YOUR MIND WILL WANT TO QUIT WAY BEFORE YOUR BODY WILL," approach SOLD ME!!!! Jake made me feel so strong, confident and he was impressed at my work ethic. I don't care if some of this was lip service because I feel that he was genuine!!  One thing I noticed about Jake was that he worked out a lot of other clients on weights and so I asked him to help me put together a beginner weight routine. I haven't known Jake very long but I do know this....I haven't connected, felt safe, secure, comfortable and above all,..... when I am in such a vulnerable moment when working out and trying to move this large body..........I feel pure GOODNESS from Jake. I feel he really believes in me!!!  THANK YOU SO MUCH JAKE for being part of my journey.  Adam has a growing business and a growing family, his time is more limited now. Having a second/back-up trainer is probably a really good thing, I just never thought it would be possible that I would truly feel comfortable with anyone else besides Adam. I am so happy that he put us together!!  Thank you Adam and Jake!!

Day 107...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Trish and work family.

Day 107...TeamTracy ROLL CALL!! Trish and work family.

Another very important part of TeamTracy is my work family: Trish, fellow colleagues, the administration and the students. This is my fourth year being a teacher. Not only was I super nervous about being a good teacher, trying to do everything right, earn the respect of my fellow colleagues and principals, learn from veteran teachers, love and foster the education of my charge, I was also trying to catch my breath and stay afloat with my health and independence. After leaving real estate, I moved back in with my parents and went back to school to earn my teaching credential and master's in education. I was single, broke, and the weight was coming on FAST!!!  Fast forward a few years...two credentials, a masters and a total weight gain of 280 lbs. I was ready to start my new career but I was so unhappy and my health was at risk. I was afraid I was not even going to be hired. As teachers, we need to be good role models to students and teach the importance of healthy living and I was a fraud. Thankfully I was hired, and I told myself that the next priority was my health. As a special education teacher working with students with mild disabilities, a team is formed for each student (Resource specialist, the general education teachers, the student, the parent/s, and support staff).  Everyone is equally important but as the resource specialist, I really rely on the support staff that works directly with the students on my caseload. A person who I work directly with is Trish! When Trish started working with me this year, it was as if I had another person I could 100% rely on to support our students!! I am so impressed with her initiative, intelligence, drive, passion, and caring for our students, staff and myself. When I left for Fitness Ridge Resort in September, she totally stepped up and took charge. I honestly don't know how I got by without Trish in my life!!! The students are so lucky to have her and SO AM I!!  I am also very lucky that the staff and administration support me and are encouraging me 100%. My job is very important to me but I was starting to get fearful that my health was such an issue that is was impacting my job performance and ultimately shorten my life. A job at that point doesn't matter if you are dead. I already feel so much happier and healthier in my day to day, and that translates to my students and staff. My fellow work compadres....we spend so much time together...you are like a second family. Thank you very much!! Happy Birthday Trish!!!!

Day 106....Fifteen week snapshot.

Day 106...Fifteen week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 1/18/15.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 312.  Total weight loss 66 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/49". Hips 70"/61". Bust 56"/51.5" Right Thigh 34"/30".  Left thigh 34"/30". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21.5". Left calf 24"/22". Body fat 56%  / not updated.

Day 103....Team Tracy ROLL CALL!! Friends.

Day 103...Team Tracy ROLL CALL!! Friends.

I don't even know where to begin....??  Friends can make your day better, they can give you comfort when you feel lonely, they can say the most encouraging words, they can be your rock when you feel fragile or broken, some are so close they are called "sister," they can be EXTREMELY generous, they can be a voice of reason, a shoulder to cry on, they can be ones I have never even met in person but they give me so much support, someone to laugh and be silly with, someone that gets you,.....I literally can go on and on!!  I have taken many friends for granted and I did not give them the chance to help me through this when I first started to really gain weight. I left being a real estate agent and felt like a failure. That is when I should have reached out the most, but at that time everyone was moving on with their lives and I felt like I had taken 300 steps backwards. I couldn't get over it. I pushed so many people away and did not want to let anyone in. When I said I hid for close to 10 years, I really mean it. I did a few things here and there but no one really knew the pain I was in except my family. I have never really felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how else to put it. I hope that this journey helps me with that.

Reaching out to friends now and letting new ones in has been such an unexpected blessing!! I wish I was a literary genius to express the gratitude I feel towards you. Friends are gifts and I cherish your time and friendship!!!!!!!!! WHY DID I EVER THINK BEING ALONE WAS BETTER FOR ME?!

Day 102...Team Tracy ROLL CALL!! My family

Day 102....Team Tracy ROLL CALL!! My family

Another part of TeamTracy is my family!!!  For some reason they are still my number ONE fans even though I keep letting them down. I would think after 10 years being this heavy and multiple attempts at trying to lose weight, they wouldn't pay attention to anymore declarations from me claiming, "I got it this time!!"  Above all, they just want me to be happy and healthy......also, (my dad wants to go skiing with me again, walk me down the isle, parents want more grand babies, brothers want me back to being my social fun self).  Thank you for always believing in me, listening to me complain, obsess, cry, scream, worry, and still supporting me!!! My parent's, two brothers, and extended family have provided so much love and support, it is overwhelming and unexpected. As a teacher, I could NEVER afford to live on my own and spend money on a trainer, nutritionist and other expenses on this journey. By allowing me to move back in with them for a year, I can put all my energy and money towards this life saving venture. They also gave me the biggest jump start by paying for me to go to a fitness resort two summers ago. They took money out of their retirement to pay for that lofty expense and they are both retired teachers!!! I cannot THANK THEM ENOUGH!!! I really want to succeed for myself but also my family deserves to see me happy and healthy. They gave me the biggest gift of LIFE and it is time I get back to living, respecting and enjoying it. Pictured below is just SOME of my family. Family = PURE LOVE!!!!

Day 101....Team Tracy ROLL CALL!!! Adam

Day 101....Team Tracy ROLL CALL!! Adam

I would like to introduce to you the VERY IMPORTANT people who are helping me through this journey.

To start it off, the one and only Adam Attia, the owner of Fitness Rangers. I have known him for over 15 years and he has been my trainer off and on for about 10 years. Adam is not only an amazing, caring, supportive trainer, I am happy and privileged to say he is a family friend. He also happens to be my brother's best friend. I will never forget when my other brother, Darrin was so concerned with my fast and large weight gain more than 10 years ago, that he surprised me and met up with Adam to set up a plan to start training me. I was sooooo nervous and extremely embarrassed. There was NO WAY I was going to start working with a trainer at the gym in front of people, but on the other hand, my brother Darrin was so concerned and made an effort to help me without me knowing, I was so touched. I met with Adam and he was just so kind, understanding and I felt comfortable. Fast forward 10 years.....,,Every time I work with Adam, I am successful.....scratch that....VERY SUCCESSFUL!!!  I have just never been able to stay committed. Believe me, it is not because I hate working out, in fact, I really enjoy working out, so it is not about the activity being unsustainable. In my opinion, it is the large amount of weight I gained in such a short period of time that is HARD to move. I grew up active and loving to run!! I gained the first 100 lbs in 6 months and I have just never gotten use to trying to move this large body around. Adam has never once made me feel uncomfortable even when I projected it, was super sensitive to it, and thought everyone was judging me. He is nothing but kind, patient, knowledgeable and RESOURCEFUL!!!  He has an army of people at the READY to tackle any problem...Nutritionist, Life Coach, Massage Therapist, very educated personal trainers, a variety of classes  (BARRE, Bootcamp in a turf room, a high energy-party hopping-club lighting-class that I can't wait to try, spin class, etc.!!!). The main thing is....Adam never gives up on me even when I give up on myself and I can really sense that he BELIEVES in me..., which gives me hope and helps me to believe in myself. Thank you again Adam for being you!!  Fitness Rangers has many years of success and growth because it is your passion. I will prove it to you this time!!!

Day 100...Back on TRACK!!!

Day 100...Back on TRACK!!

Simply put, IT'S GO TIME!!!  "Put up or shut up, Tracy!!"

Day 99.....Fourteen week snapshot. Chickened out!!

Day 99....Fourteen week snapshot. Chickened out!!

So....this week I couldn't get on the scale and see the damage report and maybe this is the same behavior of denial from the last 10 years. "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist." But I just can't do it. I promise to take photos, measurements, and weigh myself next week. I feel very fragile and scared of what the scale might say. Not only did I cheat but I did not get all my workouts in this week. It was like a perfect storm of complete undoing. Mentally, I am much stronger than I was a few days ago but I feel that if I see the same number or a gain on the scale, I may CRACK!!  This is a long journey, I know that I am no different from anyone else struggling to lose weight, but I have never been so public with it. I promise that whatever the outcome from the rest of my journey, I will never chicken out again and refuse to take photos, measurements and weigh myself. I just can't this week. I need a pass.

Day 96....Just keep going....

Day 96....Just keep going....

Two days since "the incident."   I will disclose what I did....Everything was fine up till it was time for dinner. I felt ravenous!!!  I ended up eating THREE MEALS worth of dinner. It was all healthy dinner options but it was at least three meals worth. Then I ate about 12 frozen chocolate chip christmas cookies and then about 9:45 at night I drove to Taco Bell and ate a Burritto Supreme and a Mexican Pizza. I haven't done anything like this since I started this 90 plus days ago.  I was so SICK. It has been two days and I am finally starting to move past it mentally.

Day 95...Inspirational quote.

Day 95....Inspirational quote.

This speaks to me right now. I did not feel well in my tummy last night and I did not go to work. I slept most of the day because I was up a lot at night. I am feeling totally better and considered going to the gym. I was dressed and in my car but, I felt overheated. So..... I stayed home.


THIS IS CRAP!!!!! I said to myself that if I were to document this journey, I need to be completely honest.  Grrrrrr..........In full disclosure, I ate some very bad things last night and I believe that is what caused this issue. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!  I WISH I KNEW THE TRIGGER OR WHATEVER...TO PREVENT IT NEXT TIME!!!!  I am not going to go into details yet because I am now doing the worst thing ever to punish myself....I barely ate anything today. I know, I know,....the absolute wrong thing to do. But honestly, I was super sick and did not feel like eating at all. WHY DO I CRAVE AN OVER ABUNDANCE OF FOOD SOMETIMES!!??!!  It was literally like I was a bottomless pit!!!  No food was off limits!! Why?? Will I ever be able to stop feeling this way towards food?? Will food no longer have this power over me?? I really have enjoyed eating healthy and I love the way I have been feeling. I love the benefits!! Now I have wasted a day, felt shitty, wished away a day, for WHAT!!??  Each day is a gift and I spent it feeling bad about myself and sick. Why would I ever want to go through this again??  Last night's food desicions did not align with my long-term goals. Now I am afraid that the bad food will sit in my gut for awhile sending signals to my brain to start craving that crap again!!!  I know that sounds weird but that is what I heard happens. Ha ha ha ha!!!  I just want to feel normal with food. Ugh!!!!!  Enough!!!!  I don't want to be fat anymore. I am excited that tomorrow is a new day. I will eat back on plan and workout. I really don't know what to say.... I feel completely exposed and a little scared right now. People want to hear positive things and things that are inspiring and I feel I have let you and myself down. I want this to pass but I HATE WISHING AWAY DAYS!!! I am so sorry. Especially since I shared something sooooo positive yesterday. Even now I don't want to post this.

Day 94...New PANTS!!!!

Day 94....New PANTS!!

I kind of made a silent commitment to myself to not buy new clothes until it is absolutely necessary. Well....what has been happening to my black slacks has necessitated a purchase of ONE pair of black slacks. The waist is definitely loose on all of them but nothing a string won't correct, but the main issue has been the sagging and dragging pant leg cuffs. My shoes are getting caught on the hems, the hems are coming undone, and with the recent rains, they are getting very dirty and tearing from the dragging. I believe the reason they are dragging way more is not because I shrunk three or so inches!! Ha ha ha ha!!!  It is because the surface area around my belly, waist, and booty has gone down some and the pants fall a little bit more straight down. So....off to the big lady specialty store I go. A goal one day would be to shop at regular stores again. The little things......sigh. As I was shopping, I picked up a pair one size lower than the traditional size 32 I wear and a couple more sizes. Into the fitting room I go with size 30, 28 and I picked up a 26 to see how close I was to being able to fit into them....just curious. OH MY GOSH!!!! The size 26 was loose!!!!  I went, no RAN to try on the 24 and they fit perfectly!!!!!!!  WHAT WAS GOING ON!!??!!??  I am still very heavy and I can't believe a size 24 would fit......so I thought it was just the style of pant and I had to grab a different style for further proof and AGAIN I WAS SHOCKED!!!! Size 24 fit!  My next thought was to ask the sales lady did Avenue (the name of the clothing store) change the way they size their pants to make women feel better????  I am suspicious. In the fitting room, right then and there I had a moment.  I have worn pants that stretch at the waist, jeans that are baggy and stretch all over to feel comfortable and to hide all the bumps. I know that many people who gain and/or lose a great deal of weight use their clothes as a measure and I could definitely see and feel my clothes getting looser but I just never realized the impact of being able to fit into such a smaller pant size would have on me. I am actually thinking about buying one pair of jeans that are size 14 and see each month how much more I can squeeze into them. Ha ha ha!! Why not?!  We'll see.

 Pictured: size 32 slack compare to size 24.

Day 93....Two week break from work: Family, Gym, and Good Food!!

Day 93....Two week break from work: Family, Gym, and Good Food!!

I successfully ENJOYED my two week break from work and did not stress about keeping myself busy. In fact, I did not feel tempted most of the time. There was one time when our wonderful neighbor brought over her AMAZING annual Christmas cookie tray full of yummy treats. My family laughed when I decided that was a perfect time to brush my teeth and put Crest white strips in!! lol. Hey,....whatever works, right??! Another time was during New Year's day when my brother bought siracha crab cakes. I HAD TO HAVE ONE!!  That day was the first day I ate more than I should have in awhile. The next day was an important moment for me because in the past when I splurged, I beat myself up over it and one over-indulged meal would turn into an over indulging next day, to possibly a whole week and then THROWING IN THE TOWEL and giving up!! I don't know why us "All or Nothing" folks would give up so easily???  I worked very hard to not let this effect me. I rationalized it as I was eating it, enjoyed the moment, knew what feelings would come as a result and worked through it. I have to tell you that I did not punish myself the next day for it, I did not bad talk myself, etc.  It was simply a night that I decided to eat more than I should and I lived through it responsibly. However; I am not ready to go forward with a true treat meal at this time, but I do feel proud of my mini-accomplishment.

Great food!!  I am definitely enjoying cooking and eating clean, fresh, and nutrient dense foods!! Thank you again Scott!! Pictured is one whole avocado, banana and a tablespoon of chia seeds. You need to mash it up then eat it. This is a favorite breakfast!! Yummy!!

I spent loads of time with my family and I just love them so!!! Pictured: One of the days I was swinging my nephew while his brother was making us laugh. I can't get enough of that smile of his!!!

Pictured: Brother came into town for the holidays and we had a great time eating super clean, healthy, and nutritious. We also worked out a TON!!!  Thank you so much for supporting me!! I love you!!

Day 92.....Thirteen week snapshot.

Day 92...Thirteen week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 1/4/15.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 323.  Total weight loss 55 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/51".  Hips 70"/62.5" Bust 56"/53". Right Thigh 34"/31".  Left thigh 34"/31.5" Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21.5". Left calf 24"/22". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 89....Happy New Year!!

Day 89...Happy New Year!!

I tried to recreate a photo of me near my heaviest. My heaviest recorded on a scale was 430 lbs in 2013.  I rarely wanted any photos taken of me because I did not want to be reminded of my size and what I had done to myself.

The first day of the new year was met with a great workout, an inspiring documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It is about a guy who went on a sixty day juice fast and helped another person do it too.  Now I want to do a sixty day fast!!! Ha ha ha!!  The nutritionist is not completely on board at this time. He is a big fan of juicing and even has his own juicing company but he is concerned with unhealthy food that still may be in my system from awhile ago and a few other things...but,.....I have a juicer sitting on my counter, a doctor's appointment lined up for tomorrow and I have had a couple one day juice fasts under my belt already.  Stay tuned....The goal being....I want to start running and I am still too large to do it. I also want to move faster and better. Heavy sigh.....

This feeling of impatience and wanting to be thinner and healthier yesterday is a typical Tracy-ism. This may be the very thing that causes me to fail because it is unsustainable. We'll see.....

Can't wait to see a picture of me at the end of 2015!!!!