Day 206....Fog is lifting.

Day 206....Fog is lifting.

I am definitely doing better. I feel stronger mentally. I reflect back on these last couple of months and realize I may not have made much progress in fat loss or a smaller number on the scale...but I KNOW  WITH 100% CERTAINTY I have made a lot of progress mentally. For starters, I still have not lost all the weight I gained over the last month and I haven't reverted to bad restrictive diet "go-to's." And more importantly, I HAVE NOT COMPLETELY THROWN IN THE TOWEL!!  This is truly the longest I have paid attention to getting back to a healthier lifestyle in over 10 years and that is amazing me. I know this is not a "temporary diet," but an overhaul lifestyle change that I want. I can honestly say I CHOOSE this way of living over the manic, desperate, sick, obsessed, immobile, unhappy and alone lifestyle that my old deadly habits created. Mentally, I still have a ways to go but I know I am on the right track.

About four months ago, this stair climber had my number. I would dread the trainers sending me to that machine after our workout. They would say, "Do 7 minutes on level one," and I would cry on that machine. I seriously sweat bullets!! Now I can do it at level 3 for 15 minutes using very little hand support. I have even done it myself without them telling me to do so. I still sweat bullets but I am improving my strength and ability on that machine and it is so cool to feel the difference.

Day 200...Tracy, you can't quit!!!

Day 200....Tracy, you can't quit!!

I have spent the past couple weeks trying to figure out the way to get back on track. During this time and through some cool adventures, it is clear to me that my self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love are practically non-existent. I find that difficult to accept because I have been so happy with my progress. However, just the other day, as I was sitting in front of my mirror getting ready for work, I looked at myself differently, as if I were split in two. I asked my mirror image (as if she was someone else who I know is deep down inside me somewhere) for just a tad bit of the mental strength I had when I first started this public journey in October. I just wanted so desperately to get through one day on track. I was begging and pleading with myself....saying things like,
"Please don't give up."
"I can't quit."
"If I give up and gain all my weight back and probably more...I would most likely die soon."
"How could I possibly want to go back to the reclusive lifestyle?"
"You are worthy."
"Tracy, PLEASE love yourself."
"You are miserable, why do you want to continue feeling this way when you were feeling so good!?"

That morning it was clear that I do not have the love for myself that is required to continue this journey. I was feeling so far away from the person who had the energy to go workout twice a day, shop, prep, prepare, and portion out my meals, and stay mentally strong with my food choices. I started to think that this is the feeling I get when the newness of any weightloss program has run its course. Quitting before is not because it has stopped working or that I lose steam after a few months or the money starts to run out....it's because the sheer white knuckle motivation can no longer propel nor carry me. I needed the love of myself to continue this journey. I have heard this so many times and I think I am really starting to understand why it is so important. If I don't really believe in myself then why am I really doing this?

WHY AM I DOING THIS??!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE YOUNG AND I WAS MISERABLE!!! I couldn't even stand for a few minutes without looking for a place to sit or hold onto. All I wanted to do was eat and stay in my bed. All other obligations were annoyances. And guess what???!!! I was MISERABLE!!! That is why I wanted to change. I looked at myself in the mirror and transported myself back to that time and place. I was just existing and watching my life pass by. I was not living.

So what have I been doing these last two weeks? Yoga for the first time EVER, OverEaters Anonymous meetings, an informational meeting for a transformation 4-day retreat I will be attending May 6th, started meditation for the first time EVER, and reading mindfulness books. I have had some friends reach out to me with some suggestions, advice, amazing conversations, and some HONEST feedback. I have to say....at times it felt like a punch to the gut but a very loving punch that was needed.

How am I doing now?....I am taking one hour at a time. So far, I have been back on track for three days. I think I may have accepted the 24 pounds I gained and the urge to do something desperate, dangerous and short-term to get that weight off quick. That was a very tough fight and a VERY OLD HABIT TO BREAK!!!

A song, by Rachel Platten called "FIGHT SONG" is what I have been listening to thanks to my friend Amina (Happy Birthday tomorrow!!). It is my anthem at the moment....the lyrics can apply to many different things but for me it is about my fight for self-love. I know I love myself somewhere deep inside. I remember when I use to be confident and rarely second guessed my decisions. I am fighting to get her back.

Day 193....Feeling desperate.

Day 193...Feeling desperate.

I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth since March. Extreme clean eating and working out and then bingeing. I have lost all balance and inner peace. My "cheat" meals have turned into cheat days to now,.... cheat weeks. The desire to have bad foods that give me pleasure for only 20 minutes or so has become obsessive. This turns into a back and forth feeling of extreme sickness and uncomfortableness to crazy diet restrictions. I know this pattern well. I gain around 20 plus pounds in a week and then lose the same amount and a few pounds more, the next week. This is a sickness and this is usually what happens before I quit this psychotic MADNESS!! It is also VERY BAD for my health.  I am trying so hard right now to resist the urge to go back to an extreme diet and exercise routine. I know better!! But I have gained over 20 pounds since Easter and I have reached out to my support team, attended OA meetings and I still can't get my head right. Food addiction may not be recognized as a true addiction but I honestly feel I am addicted to it. I don't want it but I still do it. The pleasure it gave me when I first started cheating is NOT the same pleasure I receive now. Total diminished returns. I don't want to overeat. I don't like the way I feel. For example, I just ate two large sandwiches, chips, lemonade and six pieces of See's Candy. I don't feel good, I am getting terrible sleep, I am not happy, I'm irritable, I have no energy, I want to cancel all training appts., I want to become a recluse again and just GIVE UP!! I don't like the way I feel AT ALL!! WHY DO I CONTINUE!!???!!  My garbage meal gave me very little pleasure. This has to be an addiction. I don't want to feel this way but I keep doing it.

At the OA meetings, they talk of abstinence....I know I have to abstain from something but I don't know what it is. Is my trigger sugar, gluten, a certain food, overeating, etc.? I want to walk around with an IV and not even have to eat, than constantly have to be faced with my nemisis multiple times throughout the day. Is my trigger getting so close to one of my milestones that it makes me uncomfortable? That doesn't even make sense, but some people in my life feel that is possible.

I have reached out to a therapist for either one on one therapy appointments or a mindful eating workshop. I will continue to attend OA meetings and I might be attending a 4-day workshop in May.

I can't give up but I feel so far away from the strength I once had. I know I am no longer 400 plus pound Tracy but that is how I feel. It is just a mind f*ck but I can't get my MIND RIGHT!!!

Day 185...More MILESTONES!!

Day 185...More MILESTONES!!

Whether it is saying them out loud or really wanting it this time...it is so cool to be so close to all the milestones I publicly put out there months ago. I still have a long ways to go so putting together a few more milestones seems appropriate and to tell you the truth, it makes me feel a little giddy putting together these future milestones because they are not just "wishes," the could actually come true like my last group of milestones. I am in a good place right now but honestly the best way to describe this journey so far....it is a struggle everyday but some days it is easier than others. I stopped fighting and putting so much pressure on myself. When I truly let it go: it is not a race nor is there a time limit, food cravings of crap food will not magically go away now that I am more educated on nutrition, I will not always feel like working out, etc., I feel more relaxed. All of those pressures I put on myself and I am not sure why, but it feels good to "LET IT GO!"  Ha ha ha!! Those self-imposed pressures are not gone forever. I know they will creep up and I will have to fight that mental battle and not turn to food to self-medicate, but they maybe few and far between. So...let's get to those new milestones:

*To start running when I get under 240 lbs.
*To run one mile without stopping.
*To get to 230 lbs., because I will have lost 200 lbs when I get to that weight.
*To eat two pieces of pizza with a salad and truly feel satisfied.
*To start an online dating profile June 4th, 2015. Don't chicken out!!
*To do Fitness Rangers' Bootcamp.
*To go to an amusement park and ride ANY ride I want to. Preferably Disneyworld, Harry Potter Land.
*To get under 200 lbs. "OnederLAND Baby!!"

Day 183...Twenty-six week snapshot.

Day 183....Twenty-six week snapshot.

100 lbs gone with YOU!!! Even though I have lost more, I lost 100 with you!!! THANK YOU!!

I have lost 155 lbs total since the middle of 2013, 101 lbs., since taking this journey public. I can definitely see a difference from my 430 lb and 378 lb starting pics and my current pics of 277 lbs. I want to start seeing little differences with the next 100 lbs I need to lose. So....I might start adding in another photo or 3 with this day being the starting point. We'll see what I do next week.

Also, I am getting INCREDIBLY close to hitting a milestone that I have been looking sooooo forward to. Trainer Adam and I have been working off an on for over 10 years now. The lowest we ever got, was 275 lbs. Because I am sooo close to reaching it, we started discussing it. I use my scale at home for my weekly snapshots. I weigh myself in the morning and in the nude. Adam has me weighing in during the middle of the day, wearing clothes with shoes on. There is about a six pound difference. We decided the 275 lb milestone will be met when I weigh in 275 or less on his scale. Getting close!! When I have met this milestone, I need to create more because I will have met them all. A couple I am thinking off the top of my head that 220 lb or under, I will start running long distances to prepare for my marathon. Obviously, getting under 200 lbs is FLIPPIN HUGE!! I will work on officially putting together another milestone blog. I still have a long way to go and I don't want to slow down now.

 Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 4/5/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 277. Total weight loss 101 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/46". Hips 70"/56.5"Bust 56"/48.5". Right Thigh 34"/28.5".  Left thigh 34"/28.5". Right arm 19"/16.5". Left arm 21"/16.5".  Right calf 24"/20". Left calf 24"/21". 10/8/14 Body fat 56%  to  2/15/15 Body fat 46%.

Day 179....Stop comparing!!!

Day 179....Stop comparing!!

I want to be comfortable in my own skin and accept myself completely with confidence. I want to inspire and encourage others. I want to continue to grow and become stronger and healthier in mind, body and soul. When I saw this saying the other day, it hit me hard!! I am constantly comparing myself to others. I have done that ALL my life and with EVERY aspect of my life (sports, grades, education, age, etc.). I also compare myself to my younger self. I wouldn't do it in a negative way or a "mean girl" way, it was me wanting to be like other people (envious). Everyone had it better than me. What could I possibly offer a friend, boyfriend, boss, co-worker, or even family? My self-worth is very low but with every day on this journey it is getting better. Whenever I start to compare myself, I stop and think of my strengths. When I start the negative self-talk, I stop and say something kind to myself.  Envy is bad, but I know I am not alone. Why can't we all accept our uniqueness and LOVE IT??!!  One of the strategies that helps with this, is helping others. Here's to embracing our individuality!!