Day 200...Tracy, you can't quit!!!

Day 200....Tracy, you can't quit!!

I have spent the past couple weeks trying to figure out the way to get back on track. During this time and through some cool adventures, it is clear to me that my self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love are practically non-existent. I find that difficult to accept because I have been so happy with my progress. However, just the other day, as I was sitting in front of my mirror getting ready for work, I looked at myself differently, as if I were split in two. I asked my mirror image (as if she was someone else who I know is deep down inside me somewhere) for just a tad bit of the mental strength I had when I first started this public journey in October. I just wanted so desperately to get through one day on track. I was begging and pleading with myself....saying things like,
"Please don't give up."
"I can't quit."
"If I give up and gain all my weight back and probably more...I would most likely die soon."
"How could I possibly want to go back to the reclusive lifestyle?"
"You are worthy."
"Tracy, PLEASE love yourself."
"You are miserable, why do you want to continue feeling this way when you were feeling so good!?"

That morning it was clear that I do not have the love for myself that is required to continue this journey. I was feeling so far away from the person who had the energy to go workout twice a day, shop, prep, prepare, and portion out my meals, and stay mentally strong with my food choices. I started to think that this is the feeling I get when the newness of any weightloss program has run its course. Quitting before is not because it has stopped working or that I lose steam after a few months or the money starts to run out....it's because the sheer white knuckle motivation can no longer propel nor carry me. I needed the love of myself to continue this journey. I have heard this so many times and I think I am really starting to understand why it is so important. If I don't really believe in myself then why am I really doing this?

WHY AM I DOING THIS??!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE YOUNG AND I WAS MISERABLE!!! I couldn't even stand for a few minutes without looking for a place to sit or hold onto. All I wanted to do was eat and stay in my bed. All other obligations were annoyances. And guess what???!!! I was MISERABLE!!! That is why I wanted to change. I looked at myself in the mirror and transported myself back to that time and place. I was just existing and watching my life pass by. I was not living.

So what have I been doing these last two weeks? Yoga for the first time EVER, OverEaters Anonymous meetings, an informational meeting for a transformation 4-day retreat I will be attending May 6th, started meditation for the first time EVER, and reading mindfulness books. I have had some friends reach out to me with some suggestions, advice, amazing conversations, and some HONEST feedback. I have to say....at times it felt like a punch to the gut but a very loving punch that was needed.

How am I doing now?....I am taking one hour at a time. So far, I have been back on track for three days. I think I may have accepted the 24 pounds I gained and the urge to do something desperate, dangerous and short-term to get that weight off quick. That was a very tough fight and a VERY OLD HABIT TO BREAK!!!

A song, by Rachel Platten called "FIGHT SONG" is what I have been listening to thanks to my friend Amina (Happy Birthday tomorrow!!). It is my anthem at the moment....the lyrics can apply to many different things but for me it is about my fight for self-love. I know I love myself somewhere deep inside. I remember when I use to be confident and rarely second guessed my decisions. I am fighting to get her back.