I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth since March. Extreme clean eating and working out and then bingeing. I have lost all balance and inner peace. My "cheat" meals have turned into cheat days to now,.... cheat weeks. The desire to have bad foods that give me pleasure for only 20 minutes or so has become obsessive. This turns into a back and forth feeling of extreme sickness and uncomfortableness to crazy diet restrictions. I know this pattern well. I gain around 20 plus pounds in a week and then lose the same amount and a few pounds more, the next week. This is a sickness and this is usually what happens before I quit this psychotic MADNESS!! It is also VERY BAD for my health. I am trying so hard right now to resist the urge to go back to an extreme diet and exercise routine. I know better!! But I have gained over 20 pounds since Easter and I have reached out to my support team, attended OA meetings and I still can't get my head right. Food addiction may not be recognized as a true addiction but I honestly feel I am addicted to it. I don't want it but I still do it. The pleasure it gave me when I first started cheating is NOT the same pleasure I receive now. Total diminished returns. I don't want to overeat. I don't like the way I feel. For example, I just ate two large sandwiches, chips, lemonade and six pieces of See's Candy. I don't feel good, I am getting terrible sleep, I am not happy, I'm irritable, I have no energy, I want to cancel all training appts., I want to become a recluse again and just GIVE UP!! I don't like the way I feel AT ALL!! WHY DO I CONTINUE!!???!! My garbage meal gave me very little pleasure. This has to be an addiction. I don't want to feel this way but I keep doing it.
At the OA meetings, they talk of abstinence....I know I have to abstain from something but I don't know what it is. Is my trigger sugar, gluten, a certain food, overeating, etc.? I want to walk around with an IV and not even have to eat, than constantly have to be faced with my nemisis multiple times throughout the day. Is my trigger getting so close to one of my milestones that it makes me uncomfortable? That doesn't even make sense, but some people in my life feel that is possible.
I have reached out to a therapist for either one on one therapy appointments or a mindful eating workshop. I will continue to attend OA meetings and I might be attending a 4-day workshop in May.
I can't give up but I feel so far away from the strength I once had. I know I am no longer 400 plus pound Tracy but that is how I feel. It is just a mind f*ck but I can't get my MIND RIGHT!!!
I totally understand what you are going through though on a smaller scale (excuse the pun). I wish we could just sequester ourselves somewhere for total reconditioning. Short of moving to Israel and living on a kibbutz where it would be similar to Wellfit Malibu, what are our options? Druggies can abstain from drugs, alcoholics can abstain from alcohol, but we cannot abstain from food.
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