Day 178....Loving Life!!

Day 178....Loving Life!!

I can't help but fall in love with my life when I hang with Janet!! She embodies the "go out and get it now" philosophy. Thank you Janet for a GREAT hike with a moving and beautiful sounding creek alongside the trail AND a spectacular waterfall at the end!!

Day 177....The "LIVING" in between goals.

Day 177....The "LIVING" in between goals!!!

I have read many "sayings" addressing that "living" needs to be done while achieving your goals. I have also had many conversations about my focus, currently. I realize that I spend a great deal of time either working out out, talking about what I am going to eat, staying on plan, and "HOW" to stay motivated. My friends and family are concerned that my focus might be too much on my goals and not enough on enjoying the journey. They suggest are put more energy into doing different things so as to not obsess on my goals. I agree with them but I am finding it a bit difficult to apply in my life but I am trying.

Here I am playing "Cards Against Humanity" with friends last night. I had a GREAT time!!

A little impromptu brunch yesterday with my family. Love my little nephews. By the way, outdoor seating has plastic chairs. They use to bring out a more sturdy chair for me when I "had" to go to eat with my family at this restaurant. Your world changes after the embarrassment of breaking a few restaurant chairs. I DON'T CONCERN MYSELF TOO MUCH WITH THESE CHAIRS NOW!! Yay!!!

The coolest thing!! I have been hanging out at WholeHearted Juice Company being a "juice junkie" and learning so much about healthy living with GREAT PEOPLE!! While there, the company received a T-Rex Fit to try out for a bit. I have never tried something like this before. It is this plate you stand on and it vibrates so fast. My lower extremities have NEVER moved that fast. Apparently, this is great for the lymphatic system, weight loss, and so many other things. I have been doing almost everyday for a week now.

Day 176....Twenty-five week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 3/29/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 282. Total weight loss 96 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/46.5". Hips 70"/58". Bust 56"/49". Right Thigh 34"/28.5".  Left thigh 34"/29". Rightlt arm 19"/16.5". Left arm 21"/16.5".  Right calf 24"/20.5". Left calf 24"/21". 10/8/14 Body fat 56%  to  2/15/15 Body fat 46%.

Day 174....Coming back from a dark place.

Day 174.....Coming back from a dark place.

I'm back!! Let me start by saying that the last five days have been filled with making good decisions that support my goals of living a healthy lifestyle...mind, body and soul. However, I spent about 12 days of pure insanity!! I gained 23 lbs, I looked and felt bloated, and I was miserable. I am sorry I went dark. Going back into a reclusive state is a thing I do for comfort. I stopped working out, I ate a massive amount of food, I stopped sleeping well, I became unpleasant to be around, I pushed my family away, my tummy was always upset, I did not reach out to my support team, I was more impatient with my students.....yet, for some UNBELIEVABLE reason, I wanted it that way because the TINY high of about 20 mins the food gives me is so POWERFUL!! Once I gave into the pull....it was over...the madness began. I would wake up eating cookies and candy until I was super full. I stopped by the store or Starbucks on the way to work for crap food to have on hand. I had to hide it from my co-workers and family because EVERYONE knows I should not be eating crap. I went to drive-thrus after work and the store for more crap for the evening. The first few days of this insane binge was so chaotic. Every binge cycle was my last, so I would throw everything away that I couldn't gorge myself with before I went to bed. But the next morning I had no strength to get back on track and I would go to the store again. A few days later, I didn't think I had the strength to come back from this...so my store trip for crap food was a much bigger cart of shit. I was planning to continue eating bad for a few days. This was BAD!!! I was giving up when I pre-planned to eat crap for multiple days. I had completely succumbed to the addiction of overeating even though it was making me MISERABLE!!!

People were reaching out. At times I was pushing them away and other times I was asking for HELP but I didn't know what kind of help or what they could even say or do to pull me out of this madness. I was really scared. I should have trusted my team of support. My sister-in-law, Nicole, got to me at the perfect time and really helped a lot.

This time I was more scared than I have been in a long time. I want to succeed so bad but sometimes it just feels so hard. Giving in just happens because sometimes the amount of energy to stay on track takes all my energy. I have taken this journey public and you deserve to see and know the whole truth and how UGLY it can get. There were times I would be screaming at myself in the car before making the decision to go to store, but when I finally gave in and decided I was going to binge on food, I was already feeling happy and I have not even eaten the food yet. Sheer crazy madness!!!! Why would you want to know this??? Every day of those 12 days would have been me complaining about stupid problems and that is crazy too!! I have my health, a loving family, a good job, etc., but maybe talking about it would have lessen the 12 days to maybe.....six or less. Who knows. But I do know this...my immediate family will not let me go dark again. I started this public journey for a COMPLETELY different reason, but I am continuing it for another.

When I got back on track this week, there was one mission that had to start!!! I have the nutrition coach and all the tools for eating right. I have the trainer to help with the physical part of working out. I have an amazing support system, but one piece was missing and those 12 days of CRAZY PURE INSANITY was proof enough that the MENTAL piece once and for all needed to be addressed and worked on. I attended my first ever Over Eaters Anonymous meeting on Tuesday. I have a name of a counselor to talk about my issues and Scott (my nutritionist coach) will be talking more regularly and not just about nutrition, he also has a WEALTH of knowledge dealing with these types of issues.

Day 164....Let it go, let it go.

Day 164....Let it go, let it go.

I hate bringing this up but I need to be honest with what is happening. Food is not the answer, nor will it make things better. It will make things worse. This mental issue that believes that food will make it better is taking over recently. When I overcome this lesson, I will come out so much stronger, I just feel it. However, currently it feels like a HUGE battle. But trainer Adam told me today, food may have won this battle but YOU are winning the war. I am so thankful for Adam!!!

I saw this saying the other day and it really speaks to me right now. I hit a few road blocks but it doesn't mean that I have undone everything. I look back just a couple weeks ago and I was so focused and confident that I was thinking there was NO WAY I can be stopped. How can I be so committed and strong just a few short weeks ago and then be rocked by something so ridiculous as what the stupid scale says!!???  My reaction, which is totally within my control has dictated my poor mood and decisions since Sunday morning. What is my problem!!?? I have my health, my legs, arms, a roof over my head, etc. STOP IT TRACY!!! LET IT GO AND TRUST IN THE PROGRAM THAT IS PROVEN SUCCESSFUL!!!

Day 163....Analyzing.

Day 163....Analyzing.

We are all human. We all have struggles. We are all awesome. I may have discovered that how I react to being disappointed by the scale or being lonely or sad is childish. I need to start living my feelings out loud instead of internalizing them. I am not the only person that has these feelings but how I react to them is within my CONTROL.

I will...

Keep my responses measured.
React rationally.

Day 162....Twenty-three week snapshot.

Day 162.....Twenty-three week snapshot.

Crap!! That was a surprise!! I was not even close to thinking I would gain weight this week. I had one minor off plan meal on Wednesday. How is this possible? I am nowhere near the "time of the month" either. What is going on? I have been dealing with insomnia this week and I haven't dealt with that in a long time. Even some of my measurements are higher. Please please please Tracy's mind......don't get discouraged. Is this what people are saying happens sometimes and they call it a plateau??? How could that happen when I still have so much weight/fat to lose????  Oh my...this is going to be very hard to process if this doesn't correct itself soon. Adam, Scott and Jake HELP!!!!!

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 3/15/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 284. Total weight loss 94 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/46.5". Hips 70"/58.5". Bust 56"/49.5". Right Thigh 34"/28.5".  Left thigh 34"/29". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17.5".  Right calf 24"/21". Left calf 24"/21". 10/8/14 Body fat 56%  to  2/15/15 Body fat 46%.

Day 159....A date with my cousin!

Day 159....A date with my cousin.

Let me first start by telling you the day did not start off as AMAZING as it ended. I had crappy Taco Bell the night before and I PAID for it till about 3:30 pm the next day. This has seriously been the worst reaction I have had to date since I started eating clean several months ago. I was fearful that I was not going to be able to meet with my trainer today for our workout. My tummy was doing somersaults ALL day!! I could barely stomach my breakfast and there was no way I could eat lunch. So sick!! Taco Bell and I may have just finally broken up for GOOD. After my awesome workout, I picked up my juice cleanse and headed home for a quick change to meet up with my cousin, Kristina. We had other plans but ended up changing them to have a long dinner over really healthy food and lots of chatting. The ambiance: cozy candle lit booth and live piano/singing. The food: warm arugula and mushroom salad with a side of ahi tuna tartare. We laughed about how perfect our "date" was. What a great end to my day. Exactly what I needed. I was so reclusive for so long, there are so many restaurants and venues I have never even heard of. Seasons52. Great choice Kristina! Love you!

Day 158....Struggling.

Day 158....Struggling.

I am getting better about accepting times when I overindulge, however, they have been happening too frequently and they are never planned and therefore end up not worth it. I really can't think of one trigger that led me to eat my regular dinner then drive for stupid Taco Bell for burrito supremes and Mexican pizzas and then buy chocolate chip cookies tonight. This happened last week as well. NOT OK. This postpones my weight loss goals and it interferes with the way I want to be eating for the rest of my life. I really did not like the taste of Taco Bell tonight. It might be a long while before I have it again. So.....I am worried. I have eaten off plan too many times recently and it is starting to mess with my confidence as to why I do it. Also, it is unplanned and it becomes an out of control binge. This has got to change. There are delicious foods out there that deserve to be eaten on occasion and are much more worth the extra calories. This is my struggle currently. I don't want to have out of control binges. I want to stay on my program for the next 30 days without incidence. I want to plan a nice meal that has my type of foods I enjoy and eat them in a nice setting under a controlled environment. So.....April 11th, I will have a planned "cheat meal."

Day 157....The Sled.

Day 157...The sled.

My trainer Adam said that this was impressive so he wanted to take a picture. When he texted me the info, this is what he said,

"250# sled X4. Superset that with lunges, bosu squats, push-ups, rows, and rip trainer!!! Booooya!"

I am not completely well versed in gym/workout language but maybe some of you can understand it. Ha ha ha!!! Let me tell you how today's session went in my language......HARD!! The hardest part was going from push-ups to pushing an incredibly heavy sled. Every set was harder!! My shoulders and legs were on FIRE!!! I so look forward to my workouts but 15 minutes in, I can't wait for it to be OVER!! Crazy MADNESS!!

Day 156....Dad's still my #1 workout buddy!!

Day 156....Dad's still my #1 workout buddy!!

My dad has been so supportive throughout this journey and not just since I took it public. He has been there whenever I needed someone to go walk/run with or to the gym. My whole family has been supportive but dad has always been the one to exercise with me. We have not always had the best relationship. I grew up athletic and naturally fit. He has always had a competitive nature and I inherited it. If I wasn't the best, he would work with me till I was. I remember my first time doing my dad's "Bootcamp." It was the summer before my 6th grade year and I wanted to be faster on my swim team. So dad I trained and I ended up "high point" that year in my age group for swimming....trophy and all. Later on, I am not sure if it was boys, or challenging school work, hormones or etc., but during high school, I lost my competitive edge with sports. I never really felt like I belonged in high school. I had friends but I don't feel I ever really connected and I felt incredibly awkward. Because of that, I lost my focus and self-confidence and fell into the trap of dieting. Instead, I should have just stayed in sports where you have a built-in network of friends and you stay focused on school work. Heavy sigh.......Never mind the past......that never helps. Anyway, my relationship with my dad changed around this time, in my opinion. I was no longer really into sports. Instead I was lost and experimenting with boys, cool kid groups, alcohol, etc. After high school, I attempted junior college a couple times before I really took it seriously. This is the time when I was starting to gain a little bit of weight. Fast forward a bit.....Dad and I never really found our stride and our relationship seemed changed forever...still wonderful and loving, but just different. Especially, when I hit the alarming 400+ pounds. He was so afraid for me to be living on my own.....because he feared one day soon, I would die and they would have to cut me out of my house because I had become so large. I started to feel that my dad's love was conditional..... only if I was the best, skinny, a polite young lady, etc., would he truly love and accept me. Of course dad loved me with all his heart during this time. Those are thoughts of a young and immature girl. My dad was not given a manual on how to raise a girl. He did the best he could. Our relationship today is strong and pure love. He deserves to see me happy, independent, successful, married, and starting my own life. Both my parents deserve that. They sacrificed so much for their children. I am happy to report that my dad has been retired for almost three years and he said he started to put on weight. Since working out with me the last five months, he is healthy and staying active and losing that bit of retirement weight. I love you dad!!!❤️❤️

Day 155....Twenty-two week snapshot.

Day 155.....Twenty-two week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 3/8/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 283. Total weight loss 95 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/46.5". Hips 70"/58.5". Bust 56"/49.5". Right Thigh 34"/28.5".  Left thigh 34"/29". Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17.5".  Right calf 24"/21". Left calf 24"/21". 10/8/14 Body fat 56%  to  2/15/15 Body fat 46%.

Day 152....Car seat belts.

Day 152....Car seat belts.

In 2013, around my highest of 430 lbs., I remember just wanting to be able to paint my toenails or take a bath, where the water actually covered me so I could be warm all round my body. I would have to turn around slowly so I did not cause the water to splash over and this would allow me to warm up the front of my body for awhile. I love baths, but they were becoming increasingly difficult to get in and out of as well as staying warm. I could no longer paint my toes because my tummy was so large I could not bend enough to reach them. I was so disabled in so many ways and it was MY DOING!! I can definitely do both of those things now; however, I am still not completely covered with water in the bathtub, but is so much better.

I just recently discovered something that would cause me great anxiety everytime I was put in this situation. I honestly think this is one of the reasons very large people become so reclusive. Many car seat belts would not fit around me. I would get in as a passenger and try super fast to see if it would fit and if it wouldn't, I would just hold it near the connector so as not to give it away that it did not fit. Newer cars gave me away with their warning beeps or flashing lights. I would then have to admit that it did not fit. I remember being pulled over for not wearing a seat belt in my old car. I explained to the officer the reason and he said coldly and without any emotion that it was my responsibility for getting an extension and he wrote me a ticket. Not only did my seat belt not fit, I had a VERY broken front seat. The back of the driver's seat was resting on the back seat. I was driving around not being able to rest my back against a car seat. I wish I had a picture to show you. Well.......now I can say that I have been in over five cars within the last few months, and not ONCE did the seat belt not fit!!! I am just so happy!!! I feel that the anxiety I had around car seat belts is going away.

Day 151....So sore......

Day 151....So sore.....

I kind of had a feeling when I was in Malibu that I might not be getting enough strength training. I was definitely doing a lot of cardio, but not the type of strength training I have been used to. I was right. After working out with Adam yesterday, I am so sore. I can literally feel my muscles in my thighs swaying side to side as I did the treadmill today. Everytime I went to sit, I thought of the fifty million type of squat moves I did yesterday. I had a great time in Malibu, but for some reason I was unable to push myself as hard as when I am at home. Knowing that I have another training session with Jake tomorrow....I am a little nervous. I texted the both of them while I was away and they both agreed that taking a break every now and then from weightlifting is good. I am not sure about that, because I feel so sore as if I was weightlifting for the first time again. OUCHIE!!!

Day 150....Feeling so strong and confident.

Day 150....Feeling so strong and confident.

I WILL SUCCEED, PERIOD! Coming off a great week of beautiful hikes, great food and good company....I feel pretty powerful. Again, it could be the high of 100% focus I gave myself for a week but I feel like I really got this and it is going to happen this time. Fighting this obesity issue for little over a decade caused a lot of hopelessness. However, finishing my 5th month on this journey has made me feel even more confident. I seemed to always give up around four months on any program. I have been embracing this new lifestyle and that is the key to success. This is not a program. This was never going to be a diet. This was and IS a total transformation in my lifestyle. Weight loss is just the byproduct. I still am anxious to get the fat off as soon as possible but I am starting to see a pattern in the numbers on the scale. For now it seems that each month I have one huge week and a few pounds the other weeks, for an average of 15 pounds a month of weight loss. I assume that this average may not continue throughout the length of the weight loss phase of this journey, but I will try very hard to complete the weight loss phase this year. I don't think that is unrealistic. We'll see. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am getting better at accepting what the scale is saying, what my weekly snapshots show, and TRUSTING this lifestyle is the one for me. I am also trusting that Adam, Jake and Scott will help me adjust my program if the weight loss plateaus.

I had a great workout with Adam today at Fitness Rangers! A week went by without his training and I got my booty kicked! I forgot how hard he works me! It was EXACTLY what I needed. Hoorah!!! Honestly, I will succeed PERIOD!!!!!!

Day 149....Home sweet home, or rather...back to reality!!

Day 149....Home sweet home, or rather....back to reality!!

I so wish I could stay at a fitness resort till I lost all my weight!! I gain so much confidence in a place like that. I feel safe, secure, and I meet the nicest people who are also there for their own reasons that somehow are similar in that we are all at some level looking to better our mind, body, and spirit. It is the community of people that propels me to keep up this effort. I believe that is why I am finding success taking this journey public because a community is holding me accountable.

I came home yesterday and did my Sunday routine preparing for the work week that inevitably will include some catch up work. I went to work today and enjoyed seeing my students and getting back into the routine; however, there were times, a longing swept over me to be hiking, or eating the great food lovingly prepared by the chef, or chatting with my new friends. I definitely thank and appreciate my work family for picking up the slack while I was away playing in fitness paradise! I truly had an amazing time! I am still on a high; however, the three parent meetings this week and my students having a sub all last week (they need to be retrained on the class rules) may quickly sober me up. This is what makes you truly appreciate when you do take time for yourself.