I'm back!! Let me start by saying that the last five days have been filled with making good decisions that support my goals of living a healthy lifestyle...mind, body and soul. However, I spent about 12 days of pure insanity!! I gained 23 lbs, I looked and felt bloated, and I was miserable. I am sorry I went dark. Going back into a reclusive state is a thing I do for comfort. I stopped working out, I ate a massive amount of food, I stopped sleeping well, I became unpleasant to be around, I pushed my family away, my tummy was always upset, I did not reach out to my support team, I was more impatient with my students.....yet, for some UNBELIEVABLE reason, I wanted it that way because the TINY high of about 20 mins the food gives me is so POWERFUL!! Once I gave into the pull....it was over...the madness began. I would wake up eating cookies and candy until I was super full. I stopped by the store or Starbucks on the way to work for crap food to have on hand. I had to hide it from my co-workers and family because EVERYONE knows I should not be eating crap. I went to drive-thrus after work and the store for more crap for the evening. The first few days of this insane binge was so chaotic. Every binge cycle was my last, so I would throw everything away that I couldn't gorge myself with before I went to bed. But the next morning I had no strength to get back on track and I would go to the store again. A few days later, I didn't think I had the strength to come back from this...so my store trip for crap food was a much bigger cart of shit. I was planning to continue eating bad for a few days. This was BAD!!! I was giving up when I pre-planned to eat crap for multiple days. I had completely succumbed to the addiction of overeating even though it was making me MISERABLE!!!
People were reaching out. At times I was pushing them away and other times I was asking for HELP but I didn't know what kind of help or what they could even say or do to pull me out of this madness. I was really scared. I should have trusted my team of support. My sister-in-law, Nicole, got to me at the perfect time and really helped a lot.
This time I was more scared than I have been in a long time. I want to succeed so bad but sometimes it just feels so hard. Giving in just happens because sometimes the amount of energy to stay on track takes all my energy. I have taken this journey public and you deserve to see and know the whole truth and how UGLY it can get. There were times I would be screaming at myself in the car before making the decision to go to store, but when I finally gave in and decided I was going to binge on food, I was already feeling happy and I have not even eaten the food yet. Sheer crazy madness!!!! Why would you want to know this??? Every day of those 12 days would have been me complaining about stupid problems and that is crazy too!! I have my health, a loving family, a good job, etc., but maybe talking about it would have lessen the 12 days to maybe.....six or less. Who knows. But I do know this...my immediate family will not let me go dark again. I started this public journey for a COMPLETELY different reason, but I am continuing it for another.
When I got back on track this week, there was one mission that had to start!!! I have the nutrition coach and all the tools for eating right. I have the trainer to help with the physical part of working out. I have an amazing support system, but one piece was missing and those 12 days of CRAZY PURE INSANITY was proof enough that the MENTAL piece once and for all needed to be addressed and worked on. I attended my first ever Over Eaters Anonymous meeting on Tuesday. I have a name of a counselor to talk about my issues and Scott (my nutritionist coach) will be talking more regularly and not just about nutrition, he also has a WEALTH of knowledge dealing with these types of issues.
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