I am not sure why my confidence is wrapped up in my physical ability, health, and appearance. I know I have more depth than this. It seems there are many reasons why you should NEVER give up being happy, staying positive, and living life to the fullest. Even the poorest, sick stricken, down on their luck people can be high in spirit. I have always felt very insecure dealing with this weight problem. I feel selfish, I feel whiney, I feel self-absorbed, I feel lazy, I feel worthless, I feel hopeless. Let me explain....... First off, I have a very blessed life. I have all I need. Why did I get so fat?......I gave up!! It was too hard to stay fit, eat right, etc.....I gave into pressures of life and looked for an easy out, an escape...and it came in the form of food. I admire people who deal with life's struggles and seek no vice. I aspire to be able to "feel," process it, learn from it and move on. Even though this weight loss journey is the hardest thing I have EVER done....I did it to myself because I gave up on myself long ago. I was not stricken with some disease, I wasn't put in a position of great challenge. Life did not throw some big curve ball my way. I just gave up!! This makes me feel emabarrassed more than anything. There is no BIG STORY!! But I am here now and I choose to live and I want my life back. I want to be able to go on vacation and feel confident on the beach and not tire from walking in the sand. I want to go wine tasting and tour the vineyards without looking for a place to sit. I used to do these things as these pictures show. I have been reclusive for SO LONG, I am trying to find the authentic Tracy and what I like to do. I was sitting in the back seat of life for SO LONG, I truly don't know what I enjoy anymore. When I look at pictures from 10 years ago and I was enjoying activities, I try real hard to remember what I was doing, how I felt, and how I socialized. I know I can't go back and I have grown regardless, but this journey is really about finding me and getting to know me again. It seems I talk about this a lot but honestly, I keep running into this problem. I am spending so much time and energy on weightloss, that when I do have free time or when a friend or a new friend wants to hang with me.....I freeze a little.....I don't know what to do. I say yes to anything but I am not authentically gravitating towards anything. Fore some reason that doesn't seem right. Who am I and what do I like to do!!!!??????
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