Day 341....Auntie Tracy, your hair is sooo pretty!

Day 341.....Auntie Tracy, your hair is soooo pretty!

The real simple pleasures in life. My nephew is so cute, sweet, honest, enthusiastic, energetic, innocent, and just so lovable. We were hanging out today and he was playing with my hair and he said, "Tracy, you have GOLD in your hair!" He seemed so excited by that fact. He then kept playing with it and said my hair needs to be in a hair band. "It would look soooo pretty!"  Well.....I open up the drawer with all my hair accessories and this is what a five year old can do in 20 minutes. He couldn't wait to take pictures of it and show it off. My goodness!!! He LOVES ME!! A real love that is pure and without judgement. I am learning what it is to love and be loved like the when we were children. You can really feel it. Oh my.....my heart.

Day 340....Let's hang out!!

Day 340.....Let's hang out!!!

Today I received a call from a good friend just wanting to chat after I got off work and then a little into the conversation......she asks, "Let's hang out!?"  Before I would "hem and haw," but today I said let's hang. In fact, my friend was surprised I said yes. Things are-a-changing!! Lol.

We had a healthy dinner, worked out, hung out in the pool, and went in the jacuzzi. Good times!!!

Day 339....Painting on a hike.

Day 339....Painting on a hike.

I am still very much living high on life. I went on a small hike with a canvas and watercolors. Why not do a little painting on your morning hike??? Right?? Try it. I have always enjoyed the view on beautiful hikes but to take a moment, remove the headphones, stop the music and really look at the details of the view...wow... now that is a sweet, peaceful moment. I am living.

Day 337..... Forty-eight week snapshot.

Day 337.... Forty-eight week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 9/6/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378.  Current Weight 340 Total weight loss 38 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/53.5". Hips 70"/66". Bust 56"/55". Right Thigh 34"/33.5". Left thigh 34"/33.5". Right arm 19"/18.5". Left arm 21"/19".  Right calf 24"/22". Left calf 24"/22".  10/8/14 Body fat 56%. 

Day 334......Transforming.

Day 334....Transforming.

Level three starts tomorrow. There are three levels to my transformative training and I am soooooo excited. I know I am able to transform my physical body and my eating habits, but transforming the way I think is a MUST for me to continue this journey the way I know I can. Global Harmony, you are truly a big part of Team Tracy.

Day 333.....Living with Integrity.

Day 333....Living with Integrity.

I have spent so long being in denial, not accepting myself, trying to overcompensate because of my weight, trying to hide my eating habits, living with regrets, and never really living. There are messages that say similar things, "you are only as sick as your secrets." I had never fully recognized the amount of conversation with lack of integrity that goes on inside my head until embracing the current therapy I am receiving. There are many things I hear that embrace the same thought.... If you are going to workout, then set a manageable goal. Ask yourself realistically how much you can workout each week and when you reach that goal, you feel good. If you set an unrealistic goal and you don't meet it, it does more damage to yourself. When you set out to try and lose weight by changing and cleaning up your diet, you do so in a manageable way. Otherwise, you will continue to let yourself down and over the years it just compounds. That WAS me. The point is...whenever you let yourself down, it makes you feel bad. Of course, not being a woman of my word to myself and others feels terrible, but did you really know how often and how much you are actually living your life without integrity? This is an impactful word for me. I add it to my list of big meaning words: mindfulness, intuitive, acceptance, integrity and spirit.

Day 332......Feeling understood.

Day 332.....Feeling understood.

I have been learning a lot about different ways of thinking about things, especially, eating, body image, love, ways of thinking, etc. This article that was sent to me pretty much sums up what I deal with and how I am learning to get better. I am not going to say that I should have worked on these things first because.....it is, what it is. Getting back to a state of "just being" or at peace or knowing what my mind, body and/or spirit is needing at the moment is my goal. Enjoy this wonderful article written by a great woman I had the chance to meet and listen to last year. Thank you Michelle for referencing it and thank you Emily for writing a great article that truly speaks to me.


emilyfonnesbeck.com  I am not sure how to link, but the article was written 8/31/15 "Setting Healthy Boundaries in Eating Disorder Recover"

Day 331....."Because I'm Happy!!"

Day 331...."Because I'm Happy!!"

I am really conflicted.  I want to be honest and transparent about just how lonely, afraid, desperate, mad, etc., I have been over the last 4-5 months but I really don't want to go there. I am incredibly happy at the moment. I do have lots to be sad about: gaining 81 pounds back in a matter of 3-4 months, falling off the wagon HARD, letting myself down and everyone around me BUT....I can't live in that darkness at the moment. I have done some intensive therapy the last month. One of the many important things I have learned is that negative thought patterns create negative energy...PERIOD. (I know I have heard it a thousand times already). So let's just get real and know that gaining that amount of weight in that short amount of time is ABSOLUTELY lethal and you can imagine what my life looked like during that time. I choose life and now with the mental part being worked on, I feel unstoppable. I no longer have to burden my trainer and nutritionist anymore with my mental anguish (although, they never once made me feel I was burdening them).

Working out....check.
Eating clean......check.
Working on my mind.....check.

Happy!!!!

I am so looking forward to my body reflecting my athletic, active, adventurous, sexy, fun spirited, youthful, caring, loving, etc.,.... mind, heart and spirit.

I had the best time with friends this weekend in San Francisco.

Day 330.... Forty-seven week snapshot.

Day 330..... Forty-seven week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 8/30/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378.  Current Weight 358. Total weight loss 20 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/56.5". Hips 70"/67". Bust 56"/55". Right Thigh 34"/33.5". Left thigh 34"/33.5". Right arm 19"/18.5". Left arm 21"/19".  Right calf 24"/22". Left calf 24"/22".  10/8/14 Body fat 56%. 

Keeping up with the days and weeks I have been on this journey is getting confusing and complicated. My highest was in 2013 at 430 pounds. I have lost one hundred pounds two times now. But I haven't kept it off. There is one component that I have not addressed since being on this journey...and that is the mental aspect. I have worked on the fitness and worked on the nutrition but now I have completed two of three levels of an intensive transformation training that has been super helpful in getting me back on track and to this point.

I chose a different outfit to show my weekly snapshots until I get back to a new low. I will then go back to the other blue shirt/black pants outfit.

Day 317.....Where have I been???

Day 317......Where have I been???

It has been almost three months. Truly.....I have started this blog post over several times tonight. I have even tried to write it for a several weeks. Heavy sigh.....  I just don't know what to say or where to start. I have so much to say, yet I can't find the flow of thought. I do feel I have found a clearer path on my journey than the path I was on the last three months. It is a good thing.

A quote from my friend Amina. 💜

"People you LOVE deserve the happiest and most fulfilled version of you!"

I also had several pictures of quotes and such, but why not show a picture of myself with a smile? I am alive, on this journey, taking one day at a time. After all, I feel renewed and ready to continue this weight loss journey while discovering how to be comfortable in my own skin and live in the moment.

Day 231.....Take my money, please.

Day 231....Take my money, please.

I am doing GREAT!!! On track and feeling good for 12 days!! It is now time to tell you what occurred during this absence. I gained 42 pounds. I was back up to 319 lbs. I was eating the world, not working out consistently. I have since lost 21 of those pounds. It has been ROUGH. PERIOD. Family, friends were nervous, frustrated, supportive, etc. I WAS AFRAID. But I already told you all that before.

So.....what has been the new strategy that has helped me the past 12 days???.....Among going to new classes like Barre and Yoga, I started meditating, listening to podcasts, reading books and watching movies on self-help.....But the biggest help is....I no longer have access to my money. I know that sounds weak, childish and drastic but I can't seem to make the right decisions daily. Too many weeks went by and I would be good for two-three days and then right back to binge eating. Those weeks accounted for the 42 pound weight gain. I am still working out but I know that weightloss is 100% because of nutrition and exercise just accelerates the weightloss. I understand this will be temporary. Obviously, I need to learn to make healthy decisions for myself but if there is some intervention that I could put in place that will prevent me from gaining most of my weight back, then I will do it. Again, nothing has changed, there should be no reason why I have fallen so hard. BUT until I get my head right and discover along this journey why I keep turning to food to deal with emotions.....I WILL NOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT BACK!!!

Day 227....At this "moment."

Day 227.....At this "moment."

"You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are," said Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have heard this said in different ways and it is currently resonating with me. I recently watched the movie, "The Shift, from Ambition to Meaning." During my frequent absences from blogging I have been searching within myself and from others for the motivation, strength, etc., to get back on track and live the life I was enjoying. There has been so much I have missed over the last few months. I was loving the way my body was feeling. I felt lighter. I loved seeing changes in my strength, energy level, my shrinking body. I loved the way I felt after a healthy and nourishing meal, I didn't feel overly full and in need of a nap. I loved that I would enjoy filling up my day instead of anxiously wanting to get back to laying in bed. And I miss most of all.....the way I was feeling and looking forward to my brighter future. I was feeling so lost, in crisis, fearful and desperate. However, I was not lost as I was fearing...I was still on my journey. My "ego" was in my way. My old story I keep playing over and over in my head is starting to change. "Our authentic self is way beyond our ego," says Dyer. I want to tell you that I have been fearful writing/blogging lately because I don't want to keep writing about my going back and forth between doing good and struggling so frequently. I wanted to get back on track for awhile and then start talking about what I have been up to and what finally got me back on track. But even this statement of saying "I was fearful" contradicts what I have been discovering about myself. I don't want to be afraid nor question my path at the moment. It just is. "Because we are only a thought away from changing our life," Dyer. I have written so many draft blogs recently but this one feels right. Thank you Amina, Scott, Adam, Shane, Aunt Deb, Jenny, Amy, Charlene, Tracy, Sherrie, Doug, Shannon, Ryan B., Ryan A., Trish, Anne, Jen, Wendy, LaVon, mom, Mollie, Jackie, and maybe a few I missed. You have lifted me and nudged me to this point. THANK YOU!!

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

I spent a few hours at the Whole Hearted Juice Co. today where I feel nothing but LOVE and SUPPORT!! Why do I push away the things that support me when I fall off track? Part of me feels embarrassed. I don't want anyone to know that I am weak and struggling. Part of me thinks that I purposefully stay away because I don't want to get back on track. I am not sure. Nonetheless, I really do love the energy of this place that embodies love of "spirit and health." I also get to chat with my nutrition coach, Scott, while I am there. I will be enjoying a much needed juice cleanse tomorrow and I will start incorporating the juice cleanse once a week like I was doing before. Just another step towards getting back on track to what was proving successful.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful today for the people I have met at Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 214....Change of plans.

Day 214....Change of plans.

So....tonight was going to be the start of my transformation retreat but not enough people showed up for it to be productive. They canceled and I plan to attend another time. This is rare according to the owners....so I am taking it as a sign. I had a scheduling conflict that I was not looking forward to dealing with as well (my school has open house tomorrow night and I would have missed 7 hours of the retreat on Friday so I could go to work). I have to be honest...I was relying on this 4-day retreat as a way to get my mind right and back on track and now I am more scared than ever!! I know this was not the correct way of looking at it but I was putting all my eggs in this basket......so.....change of plans. Breathe, be calm, re-read all the amazing words of encouragement my friends have said to me, re-read all the wonderful and insightful texts from my trainer and coach, take one minute at a time, remember my goals and WHY I started.

Here are just a few things sent to me or I read that speak to me. There are many more but these are just a few:

From Suzette

 I read this on Kari's FB. She has got a way with words.

 From Scott.

Day 213....BARRE Class.

Day 213....BARRE Class.

My AMAZING friend Rebecca, whom I have known since high school, is teaching Barre!! If it weren't for her encouragement, pure love and acceptance, belief in me and a lot of "I know you can do it," cheers.....I am not sure when I would feel confident enough to try Barre. Isn't she a "doll face!!"  I am so happy for her and her beautiful family of three. She is a shining example of what I am working towards. Thank you so much for a great class!! Oh and by the way....Rebecca and I worked our asses off doing a 30 minute circuit right before Barre class. That was 90 minutes of sweat equity!! See ya next week for the same thing. Woohoo!!!

Day 212....WHY??!!

Day 212.....WHY???!!!

It is just this simple.......I don't want to be overweight anymore! My life has been on hold TOO LONG!!! I can't get back on track for more than a few days at a time and then I am back to eating like crap. Why??????? Why is it so much harder right now?? Why do I treat my body like a garbage disposal? I have not resorted to extreme diet restrictions this time but I still can't get my mind in the game. People say it happens because you are tired, stressed, addicted, using food as a vice for emotions, no self-love, etc. Whatever it is, I am in crisis mode. PERIOD! I am so scared that the now 30 lbs I have gained back will become 100 lbs two months from now. What do I do? I need help. I need the "Eye of the Tiger" strength again. You know what is so weird...????....I have all the tools at my fingertips that have proven successful so far, yet.....I feel so lost and unable to put what I know into action for more than a couple days.

A few things that are making me hopeful.....
*My school staff has put on a weightloss challenge. May 1st - May 29th. I joined.
*I am attending an intensive 4 day transformation retreat this week.
*I am trying new workout classes for the first time. (Yoga and Barre)

Day 206....Fog is lifting.

Day 206....Fog is lifting.

I am definitely doing better. I feel stronger mentally. I reflect back on these last couple of months and realize I may not have made much progress in fat loss or a smaller number on the scale...but I KNOW  WITH 100% CERTAINTY I have made a lot of progress mentally. For starters, I still have not lost all the weight I gained over the last month and I haven't reverted to bad restrictive diet "go-to's." And more importantly, I HAVE NOT COMPLETELY THROWN IN THE TOWEL!!  This is truly the longest I have paid attention to getting back to a healthier lifestyle in over 10 years and that is amazing me. I know this is not a "temporary diet," but an overhaul lifestyle change that I want. I can honestly say I CHOOSE this way of living over the manic, desperate, sick, obsessed, immobile, unhappy and alone lifestyle that my old deadly habits created. Mentally, I still have a ways to go but I know I am on the right track.

About four months ago, this stair climber had my number. I would dread the trainers sending me to that machine after our workout. They would say, "Do 7 minutes on level one," and I would cry on that machine. I seriously sweat bullets!! Now I can do it at level 3 for 15 minutes using very little hand support. I have even done it myself without them telling me to do so. I still sweat bullets but I am improving my strength and ability on that machine and it is so cool to feel the difference.

Day 200...Tracy, you can't quit!!!

Day 200....Tracy, you can't quit!!

I have spent the past couple weeks trying to figure out the way to get back on track. During this time and through some cool adventures, it is clear to me that my self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-love are practically non-existent. I find that difficult to accept because I have been so happy with my progress. However, just the other day, as I was sitting in front of my mirror getting ready for work, I looked at myself differently, as if I were split in two. I asked my mirror image (as if she was someone else who I know is deep down inside me somewhere) for just a tad bit of the mental strength I had when I first started this public journey in October. I just wanted so desperately to get through one day on track. I was begging and pleading with myself....saying things like,
"Please don't give up."
"I can't quit."
"If I give up and gain all my weight back and probably more...I would most likely die soon."
"How could I possibly want to go back to the reclusive lifestyle?"
"You are worthy."
"Tracy, PLEASE love yourself."
"You are miserable, why do you want to continue feeling this way when you were feeling so good!?"

That morning it was clear that I do not have the love for myself that is required to continue this journey. I was feeling so far away from the person who had the energy to go workout twice a day, shop, prep, prepare, and portion out my meals, and stay mentally strong with my food choices. I started to think that this is the feeling I get when the newness of any weightloss program has run its course. Quitting before is not because it has stopped working or that I lose steam after a few months or the money starts to run out....it's because the sheer white knuckle motivation can no longer propel nor carry me. I needed the love of myself to continue this journey. I have heard this so many times and I think I am really starting to understand why it is so important. If I don't really believe in myself then why am I really doing this?

WHY AM I DOING THIS??!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE YOUNG AND I WAS MISERABLE!!! I couldn't even stand for a few minutes without looking for a place to sit or hold onto. All I wanted to do was eat and stay in my bed. All other obligations were annoyances. And guess what???!!! I was MISERABLE!!! That is why I wanted to change. I looked at myself in the mirror and transported myself back to that time and place. I was just existing and watching my life pass by. I was not living.

So what have I been doing these last two weeks? Yoga for the first time EVER, OverEaters Anonymous meetings, an informational meeting for a transformation 4-day retreat I will be attending May 6th, started meditation for the first time EVER, and reading mindfulness books. I have had some friends reach out to me with some suggestions, advice, amazing conversations, and some HONEST feedback. I have to say....at times it felt like a punch to the gut but a very loving punch that was needed.

How am I doing now?....I am taking one hour at a time. So far, I have been back on track for three days. I think I may have accepted the 24 pounds I gained and the urge to do something desperate, dangerous and short-term to get that weight off quick. That was a very tough fight and a VERY OLD HABIT TO BREAK!!!

A song, by Rachel Platten called "FIGHT SONG" is what I have been listening to thanks to my friend Amina (Happy Birthday tomorrow!!). It is my anthem at the moment....the lyrics can apply to many different things but for me it is about my fight for self-love. I know I love myself somewhere deep inside. I remember when I use to be confident and rarely second guessed my decisions. I am fighting to get her back.

Day 193....Feeling desperate.

Day 193...Feeling desperate.

I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth since March. Extreme clean eating and working out and then bingeing. I have lost all balance and inner peace. My "cheat" meals have turned into cheat days to now,.... cheat weeks. The desire to have bad foods that give me pleasure for only 20 minutes or so has become obsessive. This turns into a back and forth feeling of extreme sickness and uncomfortableness to crazy diet restrictions. I know this pattern well. I gain around 20 plus pounds in a week and then lose the same amount and a few pounds more, the next week. This is a sickness and this is usually what happens before I quit this psychotic MADNESS!! It is also VERY BAD for my health.  I am trying so hard right now to resist the urge to go back to an extreme diet and exercise routine. I know better!! But I have gained over 20 pounds since Easter and I have reached out to my support team, attended OA meetings and I still can't get my head right. Food addiction may not be recognized as a true addiction but I honestly feel I am addicted to it. I don't want it but I still do it. The pleasure it gave me when I first started cheating is NOT the same pleasure I receive now. Total diminished returns. I don't want to overeat. I don't like the way I feel. For example, I just ate two large sandwiches, chips, lemonade and six pieces of See's Candy. I don't feel good, I am getting terrible sleep, I am not happy, I'm irritable, I have no energy, I want to cancel all training appts., I want to become a recluse again and just GIVE UP!! I don't like the way I feel AT ALL!! WHY DO I CONTINUE!!???!!  My garbage meal gave me very little pleasure. This has to be an addiction. I don't want to feel this way but I keep doing it.

At the OA meetings, they talk of abstinence....I know I have to abstain from something but I don't know what it is. Is my trigger sugar, gluten, a certain food, overeating, etc.? I want to walk around with an IV and not even have to eat, than constantly have to be faced with my nemisis multiple times throughout the day. Is my trigger getting so close to one of my milestones that it makes me uncomfortable? That doesn't even make sense, but some people in my life feel that is possible.

I have reached out to a therapist for either one on one therapy appointments or a mindful eating workshop. I will continue to attend OA meetings and I might be attending a 4-day workshop in May.

I can't give up but I feel so far away from the strength I once had. I know I am no longer 400 plus pound Tracy but that is how I feel. It is just a mind f*ck but I can't get my MIND RIGHT!!!

Day 185...More MILESTONES!!

Day 185...More MILESTONES!!

Whether it is saying them out loud or really wanting it this time...it is so cool to be so close to all the milestones I publicly put out there months ago. I still have a long ways to go so putting together a few more milestones seems appropriate and to tell you the truth, it makes me feel a little giddy putting together these future milestones because they are not just "wishes," the could actually come true like my last group of milestones. I am in a good place right now but honestly the best way to describe this journey so far....it is a struggle everyday but some days it is easier than others. I stopped fighting and putting so much pressure on myself. When I truly let it go: it is not a race nor is there a time limit, food cravings of crap food will not magically go away now that I am more educated on nutrition, I will not always feel like working out, etc., I feel more relaxed. All of those pressures I put on myself and I am not sure why, but it feels good to "LET IT GO!"  Ha ha ha!! Those self-imposed pressures are not gone forever. I know they will creep up and I will have to fight that mental battle and not turn to food to self-medicate, but they maybe few and far between. So...let's get to those new milestones:

*To start running when I get under 240 lbs.
*To run one mile without stopping.
*To get to 230 lbs., because I will have lost 200 lbs when I get to that weight.
*To eat two pieces of pizza with a salad and truly feel satisfied.
*To start an online dating profile June 4th, 2015. Don't chicken out!!
*To do Fitness Rangers' Bootcamp.
*To go to an amusement park and ride ANY ride I want to. Preferably Disneyworld, Harry Potter Land.
*To get under 200 lbs. "OnederLAND Baby!!"