Day 99.....Fourteen week snapshot. Chickened out!!

Day 99....Fourteen week snapshot. Chickened out!!

So....this week I couldn't get on the scale and see the damage report and maybe this is the same behavior of denial from the last 10 years. "If I don't see it, it doesn't exist." But I just can't do it. I promise to take photos, measurements, and weigh myself next week. I feel very fragile and scared of what the scale might say. Not only did I cheat but I did not get all my workouts in this week. It was like a perfect storm of complete undoing. Mentally, I am much stronger than I was a few days ago but I feel that if I see the same number or a gain on the scale, I may CRACK!!  This is a long journey, I know that I am no different from anyone else struggling to lose weight, but I have never been so public with it. I promise that whatever the outcome from the rest of my journey, I will never chicken out again and refuse to take photos, measurements and weigh myself. I just can't this week. I need a pass.

Day 96....Just keep going....

Day 96....Just keep going....

Two days since "the incident."   I will disclose what I did....Everything was fine up till it was time for dinner. I felt ravenous!!!  I ended up eating THREE MEALS worth of dinner. It was all healthy dinner options but it was at least three meals worth. Then I ate about 12 frozen chocolate chip christmas cookies and then about 9:45 at night I drove to Taco Bell and ate a Burritto Supreme and a Mexican Pizza. I haven't done anything like this since I started this 90 plus days ago.  I was so SICK. It has been two days and I am finally starting to move past it mentally.

Day 95...Inspirational quote.

Day 95....Inspirational quote.

This speaks to me right now. I did not feel well in my tummy last night and I did not go to work. I slept most of the day because I was up a lot at night. I am feeling totally better and considered going to the gym. I was dressed and in my car but, I felt overheated. So..... I stayed home.


THIS IS CRAP!!!!! I said to myself that if I were to document this journey, I need to be completely honest.  Grrrrrr..........In full disclosure, I ate some very bad things last night and I believe that is what caused this issue. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!  I WISH I KNEW THE TRIGGER OR WHATEVER...TO PREVENT IT NEXT TIME!!!!  I am not going to go into details yet because I am now doing the worst thing ever to punish myself....I barely ate anything today. I know, I know,....the absolute wrong thing to do. But honestly, I was super sick and did not feel like eating at all. WHY DO I CRAVE AN OVER ABUNDANCE OF FOOD SOMETIMES!!??!!  It was literally like I was a bottomless pit!!!  No food was off limits!! Why?? Will I ever be able to stop feeling this way towards food?? Will food no longer have this power over me?? I really have enjoyed eating healthy and I love the way I have been feeling. I love the benefits!! Now I have wasted a day, felt shitty, wished away a day, for WHAT!!??  Each day is a gift and I spent it feeling bad about myself and sick. Why would I ever want to go through this again??  Last night's food desicions did not align with my long-term goals. Now I am afraid that the bad food will sit in my gut for awhile sending signals to my brain to start craving that crap again!!!  I know that sounds weird but that is what I heard happens. Ha ha ha ha!!!  I just want to feel normal with food. Ugh!!!!!  Enough!!!!  I don't want to be fat anymore. I am excited that tomorrow is a new day. I will eat back on plan and workout. I really don't know what to say.... I feel completely exposed and a little scared right now. People want to hear positive things and things that are inspiring and I feel I have let you and myself down. I want this to pass but I HATE WISHING AWAY DAYS!!! I am so sorry. Especially since I shared something sooooo positive yesterday. Even now I don't want to post this.

Day 94...New PANTS!!!!

Day 94....New PANTS!!

I kind of made a silent commitment to myself to not buy new clothes until it is absolutely necessary. Well....what has been happening to my black slacks has necessitated a purchase of ONE pair of black slacks. The waist is definitely loose on all of them but nothing a string won't correct, but the main issue has been the sagging and dragging pant leg cuffs. My shoes are getting caught on the hems, the hems are coming undone, and with the recent rains, they are getting very dirty and tearing from the dragging. I believe the reason they are dragging way more is not because I shrunk three or so inches!! Ha ha ha ha!!!  It is because the surface area around my belly, waist, and booty has gone down some and the pants fall a little bit more straight down. So....off to the big lady specialty store I go. A goal one day would be to shop at regular stores again. The little things......sigh. As I was shopping, I picked up a pair one size lower than the traditional size 32 I wear and a couple more sizes. Into the fitting room I go with size 30, 28 and I picked up a 26 to see how close I was to being able to fit into them....just curious. OH MY GOSH!!!! The size 26 was loose!!!!  I went, no RAN to try on the 24 and they fit perfectly!!!!!!!  WHAT WAS GOING ON!!??!!??  I am still very heavy and I can't believe a size 24 would fit......so I thought it was just the style of pant and I had to grab a different style for further proof and AGAIN I WAS SHOCKED!!!! Size 24 fit!  My next thought was to ask the sales lady did Avenue (the name of the clothing store) change the way they size their pants to make women feel better????  I am suspicious. In the fitting room, right then and there I had a moment.  I have worn pants that stretch at the waist, jeans that are baggy and stretch all over to feel comfortable and to hide all the bumps. I know that many people who gain and/or lose a great deal of weight use their clothes as a measure and I could definitely see and feel my clothes getting looser but I just never realized the impact of being able to fit into such a smaller pant size would have on me. I am actually thinking about buying one pair of jeans that are size 14 and see each month how much more I can squeeze into them. Ha ha ha!! Why not?!  We'll see.

 Pictured: size 32 slack compare to size 24.

Day 93....Two week break from work: Family, Gym, and Good Food!!

Day 93....Two week break from work: Family, Gym, and Good Food!!

I successfully ENJOYED my two week break from work and did not stress about keeping myself busy. In fact, I did not feel tempted most of the time. There was one time when our wonderful neighbor brought over her AMAZING annual Christmas cookie tray full of yummy treats. My family laughed when I decided that was a perfect time to brush my teeth and put Crest white strips in!! lol. Hey,....whatever works, right??! Another time was during New Year's day when my brother bought siracha crab cakes. I HAD TO HAVE ONE!!  That day was the first day I ate more than I should have in awhile. The next day was an important moment for me because in the past when I splurged, I beat myself up over it and one over-indulged meal would turn into an over indulging next day, to possibly a whole week and then THROWING IN THE TOWEL and giving up!! I don't know why us "All or Nothing" folks would give up so easily???  I worked very hard to not let this effect me. I rationalized it as I was eating it, enjoyed the moment, knew what feelings would come as a result and worked through it. I have to tell you that I did not punish myself the next day for it, I did not bad talk myself, etc.  It was simply a night that I decided to eat more than I should and I lived through it responsibly. However; I am not ready to go forward with a true treat meal at this time, but I do feel proud of my mini-accomplishment.

Great food!!  I am definitely enjoying cooking and eating clean, fresh, and nutrient dense foods!! Thank you again Scott!! Pictured is one whole avocado, banana and a tablespoon of chia seeds. You need to mash it up then eat it. This is a favorite breakfast!! Yummy!!

I spent loads of time with my family and I just love them so!!! Pictured: One of the days I was swinging my nephew while his brother was making us laugh. I can't get enough of that smile of his!!!

Pictured: Brother came into town for the holidays and we had a great time eating super clean, healthy, and nutritious. We also worked out a TON!!!  Thank you so much for supporting me!! I love you!!

Day 92.....Thirteen week snapshot.

Day 92...Thirteen week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 1/4/15.  Age 40, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378. Current Weight 323.  Total weight loss 55 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/51".  Hips 70"/62.5" Bust 56"/53". Right Thigh 34"/31".  Left thigh 34"/31.5" Right arm 19"/17". Left arm 21"/17".  Right calf 24"/21.5". Left calf 24"/22". Body fat 56%  / not updated. 

Day 89....Happy New Year!!

Day 89...Happy New Year!!

I tried to recreate a photo of me near my heaviest. My heaviest recorded on a scale was 430 lbs in 2013.  I rarely wanted any photos taken of me because I did not want to be reminded of my size and what I had done to myself.

The first day of the new year was met with a great workout, an inspiring documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." It is about a guy who went on a sixty day juice fast and helped another person do it too.  Now I want to do a sixty day fast!!! Ha ha ha!!  The nutritionist is not completely on board at this time. He is a big fan of juicing and even has his own juicing company but he is concerned with unhealthy food that still may be in my system from awhile ago and a few other things...but,.....I have a juicer sitting on my counter, a doctor's appointment lined up for tomorrow and I have had a couple one day juice fasts under my belt already.  Stay tuned....The goal being....I want to start running and I am still too large to do it. I also want to move faster and better. Heavy sigh.....

This feeling of impatience and wanting to be thinner and healthier yesterday is a typical Tracy-ism. This may be the very thing that causes me to fail because it is unsustainable. We'll see.....

Can't wait to see a picture of me at the end of 2015!!!!