Day 331....."Because I'm Happy!!"

Day 331...."Because I'm Happy!!"

I am really conflicted.  I want to be honest and transparent about just how lonely, afraid, desperate, mad, etc., I have been over the last 4-5 months but I really don't want to go there. I am incredibly happy at the moment. I do have lots to be sad about: gaining 81 pounds back in a matter of 3-4 months, falling off the wagon HARD, letting myself down and everyone around me BUT....I can't live in that darkness at the moment. I have done some intensive therapy the last month. One of the many important things I have learned is that negative thought patterns create negative energy...PERIOD. (I know I have heard it a thousand times already). So let's just get real and know that gaining that amount of weight in that short amount of time is ABSOLUTELY lethal and you can imagine what my life looked like during that time. I choose life and now with the mental part being worked on, I feel unstoppable. I no longer have to burden my trainer and nutritionist anymore with my mental anguish (although, they never once made me feel I was burdening them).

Working out....check.
Eating clean......check.
Working on my mind.....check.

Happy!!!!

I am so looking forward to my body reflecting my athletic, active, adventurous, sexy, fun spirited, youthful, caring, loving, etc.,.... mind, heart and spirit.

I had the best time with friends this weekend in San Francisco.

Day 330.... Forty-seven week snapshot.

Day 330..... Forty-seven week snapshot.

Stats: Journey start date 10/8/14. Today's date 8/30/15. Age 41, Height 5'8",  Starting Weight 378.  Current Weight 358. Total weight loss 20 lbs. Measurements starting/current. Waist 56"/56.5". Hips 70"/67". Bust 56"/55". Right Thigh 34"/33.5". Left thigh 34"/33.5". Right arm 19"/18.5". Left arm 21"/19".  Right calf 24"/22". Left calf 24"/22".  10/8/14 Body fat 56%. 

Keeping up with the days and weeks I have been on this journey is getting confusing and complicated. My highest was in 2013 at 430 pounds. I have lost one hundred pounds two times now. But I haven't kept it off. There is one component that I have not addressed since being on this journey...and that is the mental aspect. I have worked on the fitness and worked on the nutrition but now I have completed two of three levels of an intensive transformation training that has been super helpful in getting me back on track and to this point.

I chose a different outfit to show my weekly snapshots until I get back to a new low. I will then go back to the other blue shirt/black pants outfit.

Day 317.....Where have I been???

Day 317......Where have I been???

It has been almost three months. Truly.....I have started this blog post over several times tonight. I have even tried to write it for a several weeks. Heavy sigh.....  I just don't know what to say or where to start. I have so much to say, yet I can't find the flow of thought. I do feel I have found a clearer path on my journey than the path I was on the last three months. It is a good thing.

A quote from my friend Amina. 💜

"People you LOVE deserve the happiest and most fulfilled version of you!"

I also had several pictures of quotes and such, but why not show a picture of myself with a smile? I am alive, on this journey, taking one day at a time. After all, I feel renewed and ready to continue this weight loss journey while discovering how to be comfortable in my own skin and live in the moment.

Day 231.....Take my money, please.

Day 231....Take my money, please.

I am doing GREAT!!! On track and feeling good for 12 days!! It is now time to tell you what occurred during this absence. I gained 42 pounds. I was back up to 319 lbs. I was eating the world, not working out consistently. I have since lost 21 of those pounds. It has been ROUGH. PERIOD. Family, friends were nervous, frustrated, supportive, etc. I WAS AFRAID. But I already told you all that before.

So.....what has been the new strategy that has helped me the past 12 days???.....Among going to new classes like Barre and Yoga, I started meditating, listening to podcasts, reading books and watching movies on self-help.....But the biggest help is....I no longer have access to my money. I know that sounds weak, childish and drastic but I can't seem to make the right decisions daily. Too many weeks went by and I would be good for two-three days and then right back to binge eating. Those weeks accounted for the 42 pound weight gain. I am still working out but I know that weightloss is 100% because of nutrition and exercise just accelerates the weightloss. I understand this will be temporary. Obviously, I need to learn to make healthy decisions for myself but if there is some intervention that I could put in place that will prevent me from gaining most of my weight back, then I will do it. Again, nothing has changed, there should be no reason why I have fallen so hard. BUT until I get my head right and discover along this journey why I keep turning to food to deal with emotions.....I WILL NOT GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT BACK!!!

Day 227....At this "moment."

Day 227.....At this "moment."

"You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are," said Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have heard this said in different ways and it is currently resonating with me. I recently watched the movie, "The Shift, from Ambition to Meaning." During my frequent absences from blogging I have been searching within myself and from others for the motivation, strength, etc., to get back on track and live the life I was enjoying. There has been so much I have missed over the last few months. I was loving the way my body was feeling. I felt lighter. I loved seeing changes in my strength, energy level, my shrinking body. I loved the way I felt after a healthy and nourishing meal, I didn't feel overly full and in need of a nap. I loved that I would enjoy filling up my day instead of anxiously wanting to get back to laying in bed. And I miss most of all.....the way I was feeling and looking forward to my brighter future. I was feeling so lost, in crisis, fearful and desperate. However, I was not lost as I was fearing...I was still on my journey. My "ego" was in my way. My old story I keep playing over and over in my head is starting to change. "Our authentic self is way beyond our ego," says Dyer. I want to tell you that I have been fearful writing/blogging lately because I don't want to keep writing about my going back and forth between doing good and struggling so frequently. I wanted to get back on track for awhile and then start talking about what I have been up to and what finally got me back on track. But even this statement of saying "I was fearful" contradicts what I have been discovering about myself. I don't want to be afraid nor question my path at the moment. It just is. "Because we are only a thought away from changing our life," Dyer. I have written so many draft blogs recently but this one feels right. Thank you Amina, Scott, Adam, Shane, Aunt Deb, Jenny, Amy, Charlene, Tracy, Sherrie, Doug, Shannon, Ryan B., Ryan A., Trish, Anne, Jen, Wendy, LaVon, mom, Mollie, Jackie, and maybe a few I missed. You have lifted me and nudged me to this point. THANK YOU!!

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 215....Whole Hearted Juice Co.

I spent a few hours at the Whole Hearted Juice Co. today where I feel nothing but LOVE and SUPPORT!! Why do I push away the things that support me when I fall off track? Part of me feels embarrassed. I don't want anyone to know that I am weak and struggling. Part of me thinks that I purposefully stay away because I don't want to get back on track. I am not sure. Nonetheless, I really do love the energy of this place that embodies love of "spirit and health." I also get to chat with my nutrition coach, Scott, while I am there. I will be enjoying a much needed juice cleanse tomorrow and I will start incorporating the juice cleanse once a week like I was doing before. Just another step towards getting back on track to what was proving successful.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful today for the people I have met at Whole Hearted Juice Co.

Day 214....Change of plans.

Day 214....Change of plans.

So....tonight was going to be the start of my transformation retreat but not enough people showed up for it to be productive. They canceled and I plan to attend another time. This is rare according to the owners....so I am taking it as a sign. I had a scheduling conflict that I was not looking forward to dealing with as well (my school has open house tomorrow night and I would have missed 7 hours of the retreat on Friday so I could go to work). I have to be honest...I was relying on this 4-day retreat as a way to get my mind right and back on track and now I am more scared than ever!! I know this was not the correct way of looking at it but I was putting all my eggs in this basket......so.....change of plans. Breathe, be calm, re-read all the amazing words of encouragement my friends have said to me, re-read all the wonderful and insightful texts from my trainer and coach, take one minute at a time, remember my goals and WHY I started.

Here are just a few things sent to me or I read that speak to me. There are many more but these are just a few:

From Suzette

 I read this on Kari's FB. She has got a way with words.

 From Scott.